Messages from my soul/the Universe

For the past four weeks I have taken leave from my paid work so that I can support my eldest daughter and her fiance as they became first time parents...it has been an amazing four weeks and I feel so privileged to be part of this unfolding story.

Yesterday afternoon I felt the early signs of a migraine. I listened to my body, went home, drank lots of water, took a homeopathic remedy and put myself to bed. I slept through the late afternoon and into the early evening when I woke starving hungry and full of energy. I made myself a healthier version of the junky snack I was craving and went back to bed, where I slept well until early morning.

I woke with chronic indigestion! And energy. And fire in my belly....I woke raging at the world or rather the people and injustices. I'm not quite sure what the Universe/my soul is trying to tell me right now, but it's screaming about so much! Yesterday I listened to my body, gave it the rest that it needed, now I need to trust that all will become clear, that I will figure out why I am feeling like this and what to do with this energy....

Being a human on this planet is never dull, often challenging, magical, frustrating, rewarding, infuriating, the list goes on. 50+ years I have been here, in this incarnation, each time I feel like I have it sussed something comes along and wallops that feeling away!

Well the sun is shining, the days are staying lighter noticeably longer, my little grandson has been earthside for four whole weeks! (How? How can it have been four weeks already!) So I will get on with my day and my life and hope that all becomes clear and the fire in my belly simmers back to a gentle pilot light again!

Four weeks ago

Yesterday.....smiling and 'talking' already

The day the world changed forever pt one

I'm trying to find the words to write this post...it's going to be a long one! On Thursday morning I woke up as normal and began the day as usual with yoga and juice.

Lorna, my eldest daughter, was 39 weeks and 5 days pregnant.

It was a beautiful sunny day so I text her and suggested that we get some photos of her and her partner, Joe whilst she still had a bump. She messaged back saying "OK we might be experiencing a bit of something :/ bh or something dno...x to which I sent lots of excited emoji's! She wanted to know how she would know what's real and I told her she'd know, but that it is all real! Even Braxton Hicks are helping your womb tone up, a bit like an orchestra tuning up. But that she should look for regular sensations lasting up to a minute long. She told me they were not lasting very long yet, but seemed quite regular about every 10-15 minute. She had told Joe to start timing, it could be his job....he got his stopwatch out! I said it was best to get on with life as normally as possible, keep upright and keep moving.


So they put a sausage casserole into the slow cooker and then popped round before a routine check-up with the midwife and I took some pictures...she was looking radiant.

After the midwife appointment they were at a loose end so I took them out for a coffee and a toastie and then we went our separate ways, with the understanding that they would call me if they needed me (I was privileged to have been asked to be one of her birth partners alongside Joe and the midwives).

We continued to message back and forth over the evening. The twinges continued, becoming more frequent but not very long and not too intense. By 6.30 pm they were quite a bit stronger and Lorna started to panic that they would continue for a long time and that she wouldn't be able to cope. I offered some ideas for managing in early labour and told her to let me know if/when she wanted me to come round.

I had already put my wash kit and a few other bits in a bag the night before...it's weird how these thing go, it's almost like I sensed something was coming!

She text me around 9.30 pm saying she couldn't do this for days, we messaged back and forth for half an hour and then I suggested I popped round to see how things were and how I could help.

When I arrived, she was definitely in early labour. Each contraction had her running to the loo with diarrhoea, and it wasn't long before she pretty much set up camp on the loo with a bucket close at hand because she felt so nauseous with each contraction! (though she didn't actually vomit). She seemed to get two contractions close together each lasting about 30 seconds, then 2 or 3 minutes later she would have another one. She was instinctively using her breath to manage the sensations. In the rare moments that she stood up, she would do a lovely labour dance, rocking gently from side to side whilst rubbing her belly.

She was managing so well that it was hard to tell whether it was just very early labour or more established, I suspected that she was quite well along. Every so often she was getting stuck in her thinking brain, panicking and tensing up and shivering. But as soon as she was reminded to get back to her breathing things would get going well again.

Around midnight we rang the labour ward to speak to a midwife to find out whether the community midwife needed to be called out yet or not. I filled them in and then passed the phone to Lorna. I could hear them giving her the advice they give to any woman in early labour and was transported back 25 years to when I was in labour with Lorna! Take a warm bath, some paracetamol and call us again a bit later or if you are worried. Bathing/washing can be challenging for Lorna as this aggravates her eczema and she had said all along that she didn't want a water birth for this reason, getting in a warm bath now was unlikely to calm her down. She tried a little liquid paracetamol but it made her feel sick, and to be honest I don't think she needed it.

She seemed to be progressing nicely, still using just her breath. Every so often she would try a different position, but always ended up perched back on the loo. We turned off the bathroom light and just put a lamp on the landing.

We had all entered a different time zone by now, the contractions were still quite close together lasting between 30 and 45 seconds. And my memory is fuzzy. We called the labour ward again just before 2 am. I explained that the contractions were still close together and quite intense but didn't seem to me lasting much longer each time. Lorna was again concerned that things would go on for a long time, and she would run out of steam. I thought they said the community midwife would ring back in ten minutes, but 45 minutes later she hadn't called so I rang then again and was told she was on her way out.

The community midwife, V, arrived not long after. She put all the lights back on and assessed what was happening and said it all looked very good. She took Lorna's blood pressure, temperature, pulse and listened in to babies heart beat etc. She checked and said that Lorna was 5 cm dilated. This was brilliant news and meant that once she was established back on the loo, with the lights dimmed again, things really felt like they were moving along.

I was beside Lorna now, holding her hand, rubbing her leg. Every so often she would look deep into my eyes asking verbally or just with her eyes if everything was OK and normal, I kept reassuring her that it was. Joe was a great support, making cups of tea for the midwife; fetching anything he was asked, talking to Lorna.

With each contraction she was going deeper into herself, calming and quietening. Occasionally she would say "what was that?" and with a little encouragement she would describe the sensation she was talking about and we were able to explain and reassure. As things progressed the occasional "what was that turned into "what the f*** was that?"!

My memory gets a little fuzzy from then on as we were all in a different time zone, labour time is a magical thing! But the midwife quietly kept coming in to listen in to babies heart beat and take Lorna's pulse every 15 minutes or so. She remained outside the bathroom, getting everything ready, the rest of the time. V kept joking that baby would be born down the loo! but Lorna was only comfy when she was sitting on it.

V phoned the second midwife to fill her in, but said not to rush...I heard her joke "put some slap on B, you don't want to scare anyone!" About an hour later B arrived. I gently pushed the bathroom door closed a little more so that Lorna wouldn't be disturbed by the light and the 1st midwife filling the 2nd in on progress. Joe made more tea, apparently he makes a really good cup of tea!

I think it was somewhere around 5.30 am, after a little lull, the contractions changed and Lorna started to make a few pushing sounds, I glanced over at V with excited eyes, we both knew this baby would be here pretty soon.

After the second urge to push, Lorna got down on the bathroom floor on her hands and knees, head facing the bath. I sat on the edge of the bath on one side, Joe on the other. I pressed the palm of my hand on the lower part of her back and rubbed firmly each time she bore down.

At one point, just after a contraction, Lorna exclaimed "I don't know why they tell you to push (i.e. on the TV and stuff) you have no bloody choice!" All along she had been going with her body, letting it do its thing. After only two or three pushes the midwife said she could see the baby’s head. A couple more pushes and Lorna's language became even more flowery! "What the f*** is that?" We explained that baby's head was almost out, stretching everything to the max..."well it bl**** hurts she gasped...I told her that it meant JB would be here any moment.

Joe sensibly stayed by Lorna's head, this was all very new territory for him!

The next push and baby was crowning, a moment later we could see babies face! It was magical, that moment when baby is suspended just between the two worlds, not quite here yet but no longer in the womb. The little face was blowing bubbles and trying to make sounds. I told Lorna what I could see, and that it was a beautiful face. I also spoke gently to baby, saying hello.

After a short pause in contractions, Lorna bore down again, as gently as she could and baby turned, before shooting out in a tsunami of bloody amniotic fluid!

The baby was manoeuvred up underneath Lorna as she was helped to sit leaning against the bathroom door.

I looked to see whether it was a boy or girl and asked if they had seen, just tell us was the response..."it's a boy!" This was about 6.30 am. The look on Lorna and Joe's faces was amazement. "It's a baby! He came out of me!" Lorna said incredulously.

When the cord had finished pulsing, the midwife clamped it and showed Joe where to cut. It took a good few snips!

Lorna then noticed that she was having contractions again, ready to birth the placenta. Still leaning against the bathroom door, holding baby, she asked if it would feel the same as birthing the baby. We explained that no, it was smaller and squishier. Joe was still sitting on the side of the bath, but now he had a ring side view...so when the placenta shot into the world he got a bit of shock!

To Be Continued

Ch ch ch changes again.

Today has been a day of memories and emotions for me.

The first memory is of this day 15 years ago, when I sat glued to the tv screen as the horrific events in New York unfolded before me...

The next memory was of driving Josh to University for the first time, 5 years ago, and just how bereft I felt as I left him in Manchester and drove home in floods of tears. Maybe subconsciously I realised then that this was our goodbye, that he would never come back to live in Darlington with us. In a few weeks he leaves behind life in the UK to have adventures half way around the world. Now whilst I am excited for him, and truly hope that he has a wonderful time, I am also keenly aware of just how much I am going to miss him.

Having children, being a mother, is the best, most challenging and most rewarding thing that I have ever, or will ever do. But if I thought times were challenging when they were small I had no idea! Being the parent of adults is something else all together! I loved seeing the people that they turned into, but oh my goodness, when they are having a tough time and you can no longer kiss it better or shield them from harm, it hurts so deeply. The thought of being thousands of miles away is particularly scary...but what I am learning, is that whilst we never stop worrying and we will always do whatever we can, whenever we can, we do have to let go so that they can fly. Even if that means crash landings, aborted flights and changes in schedules. I guess even when they were little this held true, but I could pretend that I had more control than I really did!

This last year and a half has certainly held a lot of change, excitement and celebration, and there is so much to look forward to in the coming year.

So Josh, take good care and have the best adventures, I look forward to hearing all about it and giving you a big hug, I'm sure a year will fly by.

Stream of conciousness, the juicy revolution and me.

I'm feeling the need to talk my thoughts out!
So, over the last year and a bit I have been on quite a journey, perhaps the approach to my half century spurred things along! I lost around three stone, easily and kept on losing a little, gaining a pound or two but then losing three more. Until the end of the year, when I had gone back up to 11 7. That's ok I thought I can do another juice fast and the weight will drop off and all will be well with my world.

Except this time it has felt harder, I have been battling food demons, craving rubbish and the weight hasn't fallen off. I have got back down to 11 3, which is still bloomin' amazing, but I have been feeling frustrated and more than a little bit scared that this time I'm really in trouble.

You see, for many years I weighed more than was healthy. My diet was never horrendous, but it obviously wasn't ideal either. I tried several diets/weight loss programmes. Sometimes I had good results, but increasingly next to nothing happened apart from my soul being crushed! And always I went back to 'normal' and piled back on any weight I had lost and a bit more for good measure. I tried thinking myself slim....
I knew in my heart that I needed to completely change my lifestyle and eating habits for life as well as changing my mind set. But honestly didn't know where to start.

Being ill over the holidays in 2014 and then starting my juicing journey seemed to be the catalyst that I had needed. And for most of 2015 things were great. But then I let things slip, not everything, but enough for the weight to start creeping up and my self worth to start falling off.

Since 2016 began I have followed two weeks of Super Juice Me and last week I followed the Juice Yourself Slim juice fast. I have got my weight down to 11 3, which I'm not going to lie, feels like something of a let down. I have fallen off the wagon here and there, I found myself buying not one but two almond croissants the other day and not just eating them but positively inhaling them...I wasn't even hungry, what the heck was that all about??

Then today I woke up feel like death, head full of cotton wool, nose and eyes streaming. Oh great! The wee lad that I look after has obviously been more than generous with his cold germs! I wallowed for a while. Then I got up, had some hot water and lemon (as I do most every day) but with a little ginger and honey too, had a ginger shot to help me fight the virus, had my smoothie and gave myself the day off. I was sad to not have my faithful nurse to look after me, but put myself back to bed and started reading the Jason Vale 5:2 juice diet book.

And I am starting to feel that I have some perspective back. I have obviously reached a point in my weight between 11 3 and 11 7, that is where my body wants to be. Yes in my head I WANT to be 10 stone or less...but to achieve that probably isn't healthy or realistic or compatible with my current life. I'm still so much healthier, happier and lighter than I have been for many many years. My tolerance point has shifted, I only need to gain 3lbs or so and I am proactive about changing my life to get back the balance. And I'm changing from a diet mentality to having a healthy outlook on life.

So here is my pledge, I'm putting it out here for the world to see, and so that I can come back to it whenever I need reminding. I am going to follow the Jason Vale 5:2 juice diet system, this means any two days during the week I will drink four juices as 'prescribed' on the programme. Three days I will eat 'clean' healthy delicious meals and then the other two days I will be human! This I will maintain for life, I will have days where things don't go to plan, heck I may even have a week or so! Four times a year I will put myself in for a service, i.e. I will follow a week long juice fast, giving my body a break, feeding it only freshly extracted juices and resetting my system. I will continue to move my body at least 5 out of the 7 days a week, bouncing, practising yoga, walking, cycling, pilates, Zumba, running up and down the stairs! I am going to continue to love my body and appreciate all that it does for me, for without it I would not be alive. I am going to put behind me the demons, the self loathing and down talking and being positive, excited for the future whilst firmly living in the here and now.

Join me if you like, join the juicy revolution and get healthy and stay healthy.

Namaste.

October stream of conciousness

October....how?
Things I'm loving. Chill, misty mornings that gradually warm with golden, soft sunlight. The leaves changing colour and beginning to fall. Collecting conkers. That autumn smell....fire smoke, earth, leaves. The excitement of Halloween around the corner. Soup.

I'm so frustrated with lots of things....every time I try to register or update anything connected to my Microsoft account it resolutely refuses to send me a code. I have been waiting to restore my Windows phone to it's factory settings (in the hope that this will get it working properly again. An upgrade isn't a realistic option right now as there is nothing on the market that comes close to what I would like.) today I bit the bullet....only to discover that, yet again, no code therefore I can't restore all my apps and stuff. Which led to the further disappointing discovery that Here drive is no longer available...and there doesn't seem to be anything that comes close. I loved Nokia drive which then became Here drive, the free sat nav that was built into Windows phones. I am very disillusioned with Windows phones in general since Microsoft took over from Nokia. But I am equally unimpressed by the alternatives on the market. I am waiting on Microsoft to get back to me with a code...I'll see how I go from there.

I have almost caught up with printing photos and putting them into albums....that does feel good! I have mentioned before that I like to mix the old with the new, I take pictures...lots of pictures (though a lot less whilst my Lumia 1020 has been out of action!) I Instagram, post them on facebook, store them on my hard-drive and save them to disc and then, a selection, I also print and put into albums. I love the quality of digital prints online and on the screen but there is nothing can replace physically flicking forwards and backwards through an album of prints.

Last weekend I went to visit my baby girl in Leeds, we shopped, we drank cocktails and we went to see Fall Out Boy. We walked and walked and chatted and chatted. I miss her terribly, but it is as it should be, she is living her life, learning and growing....it only seems a moment since she was born, since we were walking home together after dropping her siblings at school, chattering about this and that. Hugging....we still hug, she is a hug monster, and long may that continue.

I see my big girl regularly too. We have watched Great British Bake Off together and usually spend most of the day together having lunch, shopping etc.

Last Sunday, Chris and I walked at Richmond and ate yummies at the Station. Then we went to see Starsailor. It was very chummy, cheek by jowl with lots of people we don't know (why do the people who drink the most alcohol insist on standing near the front and therefore need to walk all the way back for the loo/ bar? And do I have a sign on my head that says walk way just here? Because it doesn't seem to matter where I stand, that always becomes the most direct route that everyone else needs to take! But oh my goodness it was a fantastic gig! So close to the band I could clearly see them (well, when I craned my neck round the tall people who always stand right in front of me, is that just me too?!) And so worth the late night (even though I could have cried with tiredness when bathing and putting the little cherubs to bed before driving home in the dark!)

I am so thankful for my job. To get out of the house. To spend time with two wonderful children, To watch them grow and learn. Being a mum is the best job/role ever, being a nanny and getting paid to be a sort of surrogate mummy/granny is the next best thing! Turning up each morning and wondering what the day will hold. Snuggling a chunky one year old whilst he settles for his nap. Taking him to a singing group, with lots of other gorgeous wee ones, singing, dancing. Seeing the wonder on his face when he catches bubbles. It's almost possible to see his brain growing and expanding as he learns new things every moment of every day. He's beginning to chatter now....he said my name for the first time this week. Kim has proved quite tricky for most of my little charges to say, I was Tim for a long time! At the moment the way he says it is more like one of those African dialects where they sort of 'Gnim', but it is most definitely Kim! Rising to the challenges of a tired 4 year old when she comes out of school. Sharing (unwillingly) their germs!

Continuing to work at being healthy and fit...not always easy to be sensible and look after myself when I don't get home from work until 8 pm...my temptation is to waste time on social media and stay up too late when really I need to find balance by exercising, doing yoga, meditating, eating well and sleeping earlier than I usually manage....but I'm doing ok. I'm still manahing some bouncing and yoga is my saviour...sore lower back, resolved with a yoga session, head all over the place resolved by a yoga session, aching neck and shoulders...you guessed it yoga is the answer! I'm still eating (fairly) sensibly and keeping the weight off. Balance....yes that's what it's all about....

The house is (slowly) getting there....it's almost a year since the building work began! (shudder! whilst the end result is most definitely worth it, the process was extremely challenging!) But when I reflect on all that we have done in the last few years it's quite impressive! First we had the driveway extended, then we redecorated the hall, stairs and landing, next the new kitchen, then we redecorated our bedroom, then the building work...the new room is now completely decorated and furnished, it is such a lovely room, calm and quiet (I have been doing my yoga in there). The guest room (Lorna's old room) is redecorated and over the summer Heather and I redecorated her room ( better mention Chris wallpapered and laid laminate flooring!) I won't list all the things that remain to be done!

Window coverings for the porch and new room

Happy autumn! 🎃🌞🍁

Shifting, changing, nostalgia and love

Yesterday was the first day of autumn...this scares me more than a little...the year seems to be flying by.

A change in season often makes me stop and think and reflect. This particular seasonal shift seems to reflect a life season change for me. Life looks quite different for me these days, no longer the mamma to baby birds who need my full attention. Our home is suddenly quiet and tidy as H has returned to university, J has moved out after his brief stay back home and L is busy across town in her own cosy home.

There are many things that I am enjoying and looking forward to at this time of change. However there are also many things that I miss, look back longingly on and moments that take my breath away with the sheer raw sadness and longing for what has passed and will never be again. I really am working on embracing this phase of life, accepting the role as crone/wise woman...but Oh my! it really only seems such a short moment since I was embracing and accepting the role of mother...how can 24+ years have gone by so quickly?

I am so grateful to have returned to working with little ones to satisfy my passionate need to be around wee ones, nurturing, coaxing, teaching and learning from. Snuggling, tickling, loving whilst stretching every last ounce of patience. Occasionally feeling old and tired but mostly feeling inspired and rejuvenated, almost as if being around these amazing little ones can turn back the clock for me and make me young again.

It has been quite a year, physically there is a lot less of me than there has been for many years. Ending 2014 with a couple of nasty bugs meant that I lost quite a bit of weight. I was then inspired to try juicing and have become a devoted fan of Jason Vale, The Juice Master! (Four books, one wall planner, one dvd, one cd, one rebounder and one rebounding dvd and a visit to his retreat booked!)

I started off in January with the Juice Yourself Slim 7 day programme. This was a lovely gentle introduction for me as it combines juices and smoothies with soups and salads. He encourages you to read the entire book from start to finish before beginning the program. As I began to read I thought, I know this stuff, what can he possibly say that I don't know? And indeed I did know a lot of it...but some of it I didn't know and some of it just hadn't really hit home before. I have known for a long time that I needed to lose weight, move more, eat healthier. But I also knew that fad diets were not the answer. I needed to change my life. Starting Juice Yourself Slim was the beginning of that life change. I never felt like I was on a diet, never felt deprived or particularly hungry. What I did feel was inspired, vibrant and full of energy. I was also beginning to like my body for the first time, ever! I could look in the mirror and like what I saw, had to buy new clothes and retrieve old favourites from the dark recesses of my wardrobe. Lesson number one was to get out of diet mentality. To stop obsessing about the foods that I couldn't have and focus on all the wonderful foods I could have. And if I wanted/craved chocolate/cake/bread whatever to eat it! The world wouldn't fall apart, the 'diet' wouldn't be ruined! I know that for me (as it is for many other people) cravings and often feeling hungry are actually nothing to do with food, but everything to do with emotions. This I have known for a long time, but I am learning to address it.

After the 7 days I continued to replace at least one meal a day (usually breakfast) with a juice or smoothie. I have learned to appreciate that smoothies and juices are not just a drink, they are whole, life affirming, scrumptious meals. On the few days when I have not started my day with freshly extracted juice I feel hungry, grumpy and out of sorts. I have also begun eating food that is much less processed (even cooking is a form of processing! so sticking to raw or lightly cooked foods, as close to their natural state as possible). I am no saint, and I am very easily lead by the people that I love and slip back to eating sandwiches, pizza and puds...but I will have a big salad and just a couple of slices of pizza, I will have a small piece of cake and a side of fruit instead of ice cream.

As the season changed to summer, and I had slipped back into some of my old habits I felt in need of a reminder of how to live well. I took up the next 7 day 'challenge' and followed the 7 lbs in 7 days program. Again I read the book from beginning to end before starting the program. Again I felt I already knew it all. Again I was proven right and wrong! The main lesson I learned with this program was the the joy of moving. I had certainly been more active this year, getting up early at the weekend to go swimming, the occasional bike ride and walk, but with this detox I wanted more. I invested in a rebounder, a mini trampoline so that I could do something every day, half an hour in the morning and half an hour in the evening. I experienced the amazing paradox that if I was tired, weary, or grumpy, jumping on the trampoline for half an hour restored me and gave me more energy than I knew what to do with! Getting into the habit of doing some form of physical activity, every single day has been a wonderful, unexpected joy!

As the year rolls on and I am still loving my body, I am still learning and working on my life. Living day by day and working on not getting sucked back into too many old habits. I know that I can follow a juice detox every now and then to reset myself. Put myself back on track. If you had told me less than a year ago that I would own and enjoy wearing sports clothing (all Lycra, neon colours and figure hugging!) I would have laughed and rolled my eyes. If you had told me that I would set the alarm to get up early enough to work out for half an hour before starting my day I would have said "yeah, right!" If you had told me that I would be wearing size 12 skinny jeans and looking in the mirror loving the reflection I would have called for the men in white coats to come and get you! But all these things are true...I don't think I can remember the last time I fit into a size 12 anything! And even when I did, I certainly didn't appreciate my body (in my head I was always fat, when I made an album for my beloved to commemorate 25 years together I fished out old photos...I was truly shocked to look at the skinny young woman in those photos as she did not have the body that I remembered inhabiting at the time).

So cheers to loving my body, and to embracing this empty nest. Cheers to being a working woman, I think I have (finally) found what I want to be when I grow up...and it turns out that that means coming full circle and doing what I always loved the most! The journey here has been a blast and I have no regrets. I'm sure that if I had continued to work with children I would have begun to hate it. Coming back to it now just feels right.

Cheers also to almost having the house sorted. This time last year we were on the cusp of starting some major renovations, (my sanity and the bank balance were pushed to their very limits!) with a few detours (revamping H's bedroom and turning L's old room into a guest room weren't originally in the plan!) The 'new' room, which had no identity for ages has become a wonderful oasis of calm. Light, bright and peaceful with a wall full of books and a couple of chairs it is a great space just to be! I am looking forward to practising my yoga in there now that there are blinds at the windows.

The laundry room is a joy, yes it would have been even more joyful to have had such a space when the family were younger but hey ho! The same goes for the kitchen, I finally have the space that I have always dreamed of. A living kitchen, the beating heart of my now quiet home! But at least over the summer it got used to it's full potential with L, H and myself cooking up lovely meals and treats together in an elaborate dance! And I am looking forward to visitors who will sit on the comfy chairs by the carefully chosen table chatting to me whilst I potter around preparing dinner!

I may even finish decorating it...if I can settle on a colour!

Down down

I'm in a funk, I'm feeling blue....I  have absolutely no good reason to be but there it is, that is the way of mental health.

Lost, disconnected, lonely, drifting in a sea of grey humdrum.

I'm unsure whether this post will make the cut, whether I will hit publish or not...if I do and I appear to be wallowing I apologise in advance...but let's see if any good comes of putting some of these thoughts 'down on paper'.

This time last year I was a month into busyness. A birth retreat with amazing sisters, recharging on holiday with my beloved one, learning the skill of teaching relax stretch and breathe (gosh is that only a year ago, feels like that skill has been around much longer), then in the new year beginning teaching RSB and studying to take this further with yoga for pregnancy, training to become a Natal hypnotherapy practitioner and a wonderful holiday across the pond. It was crazy for a while...and despite missing some of the slow, carefree autumn and winter pace and kitchen witchery, I soaked it all up. At the end of June things slowed, almost stopped. I stopped teaching RSB as the wonderful group of women that I had been teaching all had their babies, I stopped teaching antenatal courses as I realised I was finding them a struggle, I had completed all the work for YfP and received my certificate from Worcester uni. I wrote the assignments for Natal hypnotherapy, but put off the assessment until the autumn. And for a while it was great to kick back and relax. All the children (it feels odd calling them children, now that they are not...but what else could I call them?) were home and the sun shone for weeks on end (no it really did!).

But then September rolled around and the funk began to descend. Despite receiving enquiries for relax stretch and breathe not enough are making a booking so I'm struggling to get it back off the ground. And on the whole I'm left feeling as if I'm back to square one. I have been studying since 2001 with a view to finding out 'what I want to be when I grow up' i.e. finding gainful employment. As much as I have loved almost every second of my studies and have grown and changed and learned so much I'm a completely different person...but I don't feel any closer to having it sorted. I don't have regular, paid work and I don't feel as if I have found myself...meh! that all sounds pretentious and self obsessed.

So how do I move forward? How do I find a job that I can enjoy, working during the day on week days, probably part time and earning more than it costs...

Ch ch ch changes...

I am catching up reading the blogs that I follow. Life is pretty full these days with three days a week at work, continuing renovations to the house and the new and improved me that likes to swim, cycle and walk this ole body into it's new and changing shape and fitness.

So, back to the blog posts, I've just read two with a similar theme about our children growing up and holding onto the shifting sand of their 'littleness'....it seems that almost without me noticing, my three have changed and grown beyond recognition. Yet they are the same as ever really, all that has changed is external to them. I'm waffling, sorry, I'm trying to put into words stuff that defies words. It's a feeling, a heartbeat, memories, dreams and anticipation.

Our eldest, always the pioneer for firsts is once again stepping into her covered wagon to negotiate new territory. For a brief while she took a back seat, her two younger siblings flying the nest before her to go off the university whilst she stayed in the safety and comfort of home for her university journey. But now she is taking up the reins again... she and her fiancé are buying their first home together and will soon leave the family home....

It all feels surreal, exciting and scary in equal measure... each new phase has been like this for me, for her, for us together...I guess I should really just go with the ride and stop trying to picture what the future will look like, feel like, be like... but it is hard to resist trying to peak around the corner to see what may be there, put my toes in the water and see if I like it...

It is also hard not to hanker back to the past, to remember and revel in the long past days when she was a tiny wee thing, never more than a heartbeat away from me, dependant, snuggly and utterly adorable. But we can never go back (and truly who really wants to?). Time moves on, and we embrace the new, standing back and watching in awe as our children master each new skill, each new life phase.

I love that my three camera shy children agreed to having their picture taken the other weekend. I love you to the moon and back guys. You will always be my babies, but I am so proud of you all. Thank you for choosing me to be your mum, you have made me the person I am.... you have made me complete. I will always be here for you.

Some ramblings....

Wow, well there's been a few changes around here in the last couple of weeks.

Two weekends ago we drove to Salford to drop Josh off to begin the next exciting chapter in his life. He is living in a concrete nightmare....sorry HE thinks it's a really cool pod style studio flat! He's really close to Media city (even I could feel the buzz of cool there!) and will be studying for a Post production Masters.

The following day Chris and I drove our baby girl (oh heck...I'm tearing up already!) to Leeds. We negotiated Leeds' wonderful traffic system and waited to pull into a ridiculously inadequate parking area. When we finally pulled in we were greeted by an unsmiling, fluorescent jacketed youth who told us we had 15 minutes to unpack the car and move it to a different car park down the road. It was raining. Chris and Heather went of to get her keys whilst I maniacally unpacked the car, putting all her worldly goods on the pavement in front of the car, my anger keeping my sadness at bay for a while.

When they came back with the key, Chris moved the car. Then I continued to stand in the rain with her stuff whilst Heather and Chris took as much as they could carry. They were gone an age...it turned out there were two lifts, 20 floors, and a squillion other freshers all arriving at the same time unpacking their brand new duvets and Ikea crockery. We eventually transferred everything from pavement to flat (actually a really nice, newly built space, happily, beautifully co-ordinated with her new duvet cover, and lamp etc!). Met her flat mates, made up the bed and generally unpacked. We then jumped in the car and queued endlessly to get to a bigger than Tesco local supermarket. Turns out it wasn't much bigger and had no car park! So Heather and I left Chris with the car and went tired and stressed to shop for essential food stuff. We queued yet again to get her back to her flat, before hugging her and leaving her to fend for herself. We waited briefly for the lift, but with no sign of it I set off to start walking down the twelve flights of stairs. Tears blurring my vision. Memories of that journey three years ago (really? only three years ago?) tears blurring my vision, sobs unexpectedly racking my body after I dropped Josh for the first time at university, alone as Chris was running the Great North Run. This time I choked back the sobs, and rubbed away the tears, steadfastly not looking at Chris.

The trip around the supermarket the following day was a challenge, planning what meals I would need without Josh or Heather there, thinking 'oh Heather isn't here so don't need that. That meal only works for me and H' etc. Again, familiar ground, I remember similar thoughts just after Josh went away, but of course we were only one man down then, and pretty used to Josh coming and going and not needed meals. Heather, whilst not a recluse, certainly spent more time at home, cooked meals for me when I came in from work and would appear at random times for hugs.

I don't want you to think I have spent the last two weeks moping and crying. Life carries on with just the occasional twinge of 'oh, Heather is away at uni' and the familiar lurch in the stomach. Children making their way in the world is what it's all about, but oh my goodness it can be as hard as it is rewarding seeing them grow and move forward. And of course the nest isn't empty yet, Lorna and Joe are still here (and Lorna is being really sweet filling Heathers shoes by cooking and shopping for me).

Chocs that Lorna bought me yesterday to cheer me up.

I am even more thankful too that I seem to have found wiwtbwigu! (what I want to be when I grow up). I am so enjoying the nanny job that I started at the end of February. It took me a wee while to get into the groove. Being out of my home two days a week took some getting used to after being at home and my own boss for so long. As did learning a new routine with the family. But despite my memory like Swiss cheese, I have found my stride.
I had a couple of weeks off in July whilst my boss had her second baby and since going back have been working a few hours on a Friday as well as my two usual days. I now go in later and stay later to help with bedtime. I often don't get home until 8.30 pm, tired but oh so happy. I feel really appreciated (last week I was gifted an afternoon at the spa by my boss as a thank you for the extra help I have given her!).

My pedicure

I get lots of baby cuddles and I don't have time to sit around moping and missing my own growing offspring! Not to mention getting paid too! It just feels right.
I think if I had continued working with children after we moved up North I would probably feel truly fed up by now. But having studied, grown and learned a lot about myself over the last almost 15 years. As well as trying out several other roles, that never quite fit right. Going back to nanny work just makes sense.

There have been a couple more changes this week. Firstly, I have decided not to renew my licence as a Natal Hypnotherapy practitioner. Shortly after doing my NH training I stopped teaching couples antenatal courses for the NCT. The NH courses are also mainly for couples and therefore I just didn't get going with the workshops. I kept up my licence for a year. But when the renewal came round, considerably more expensive than last year, it was a no brainer to stop.

Secondly, yesterday I took the difficult decision to stop teaching relax stretch and breathe. This wasn't so clear cut, I absolutely love teaching RSB and have had nothing but fabulous feedback from the women that I have taught. However, the group has always been small, mostly this suited me fine. The room that I taught in wasn't huge and I love the more personal nature of teaching to 4 or 5 women. The major downside though, is that with few women on the register it can be very uncertain how many will be able to attend each week. I needed 4 women to 'break even' and get paid in full, I was happy to teach 2 women (taking half pay and sometimes nothing at all). But the challenge was waiting with bated breath each week to find out how many women were hoping to come along, regularly having to cancel at the last minute. Pregnancy is a time of shift and change and most women work right up until their baby is due, meaning that women often can't make it to every session. With a larger group this wouldn't be an issue, however, with six women on the register I just never knew whether I was going to be able to teach or not. So for various reasons and with a heavy heart, this uncertainty finally got the better of me this week and I took the very difficult decision to stop doing it.
I have been completely overwhelmed with the reaction from people about this. So many people have said wonderful things about me and the RSB. It is still the right choice though.

Life is full of change, and to resist this only leads to problems and misery...but it's good to pause every now and again, look back, look forward, be nostalgic and optimistic before coming back to the here and now.

Catching up

I have just been (sleepily) re reading my last blog post.... from January, wow the year has flown by.
So my kitchen is all finished (except the decorating, but there is good reason for that). I love the space.

And I think I found wiwtbwigu! I registered with the nanny agency and started working at the end of February with a wonderful family. Just one little girl when I started, two days a week. I loved it from the start, though it did take me a wee while to figure out how to get everything done both whilst at work and at home! Now there is a new member of the family, a baby brother for the little girl, squiggly new born cuddles *sigh* I am in heaven! Going to work feels like such a blessing, a sanctuary from life over the summer with complicated adult offspring! It was great to have a break from nanny work, to stretch my wings and try out my brain. Great to learn new things and try on new hats.... but it turns out that what I always wanted to do is what I am best at after all. Working with families, looking after children and helping women in those early years, that just fits, it ticks all the boxes for me. I'm sure I may wobble, there are certainly challenges and difficult days. But I imagine this would be true of any job.

We have recently finished another revamp project, our bedroom (long overdue!). It happened by accident, with a trip to find storage for my yarn stash that resulted in ordering a bed frame, blanket chest, two bedside cabinets and a chest of drawers! We took inspiration from the furniture and the room took on a theme of New England beach house. Light blue wallpaper, sand coloured carpet, pale blue shaker style wardrobe doors, new ceiling light with fan (which has been perfect with the hottest summer for a long time and my hot flushes!). We have a new mattress on order, then all we need is curtains and bedding (though for the time being what we have are fine). I have added fairy lights and some sunset, seaside pictures. The room feels like a sanctuary, a haven of calm, cool peace.

Oh, and the kitchen is waiting to be decorated because we are (finally!) having the building work done, the garage converted (seems slightly mad adding rooms with two of the three offspring off to unit in a couple of weeks!). Watch this space!

At another crossroads

As another year roles in I find myself at another of life's crossroads. We began the New Year with a big kitchen clear out...literally everything had to go! Well, be temporarily relocated whilst we have a new kitchen fitted. The end of the process is now tantalisingly close and it mostly feels pretty good (though I will be happiest when the dust removal..from the entire house..is complete!)

All cleared out 

Whilst there have been strangers coming and going and routines disrupted I have been living a sort of limbo life. The first week I sat and caught up with some of my unfinished knitting projects (as well as starting a few new ones!), it felt good. This week so far, has been more of a mix, trying to live as normally as possible (with the kitchen packed up and relocated in the dining room!)

The kitchen in the dining room

There will be decorating to do once the contractors move out (Monday deadline), which will extend to finishing the hallway that didn't get done nearly two years ago, yikes! and the downstairs loo, and possibly the dining room....

But besides all this excitement and mess my journey to 'find out what I want to be when I grow up' (wiwtbwigu) continues. The story so far...I always wanted to work with children, from being very young. I did the NNEB, had two fabulous nannying jobs...and then found out I was pregnant. Being a mother was the best job in the world ever! And managing to combine mothering with working was awesome....child minding never felt like work!

But then we relocated and all my children were in school. So I began to look for something new. The journey to becoming a homeopath was an emotional one. I grew and learned so much...I learned that I didn't want to work alone, at home...and so my quest continued.

Then I found myself studying again...to become an antenatal teacher. Another emotional and stretching few years. More learning, more discovery about myself...I tried on the antenatal teacher hat for a year after qualifying and decided that it didn't quite fit right...sigh....feeling that I'm getting closer to 'wiwtbwigu' but not quite there. The relax stretch and breathe/yoga for pregnancy was the next leg of the journey. And this feels as if it fits very well. I began teaching a year ago and have loved every minute. I have had some great feedback from the women who I have had the pleasure to guide. But since September things have been frustrating to say the least. Despite having twelve women on the register at one point I have only managed to run two or three sessions, each with only two women (I'm not asking for much, with four women I get paid, and the room doesn't comfortably hold more than about ten! Between four and seven is perfect...).

There are always going to be challenges for pregnant women getting to classes, especially as so many work right up to the end of pregnancy. But for some reason those challenges have been magnified in the last few months for the women booked onto my classes. As well as work commitments there have also been too many early births and ill health. I shall keep on trying though, the small group of women that came to me last year are all firm friends and meet up with each other every week...they still speak fondly of the classes (and the cakes!) so I know just how valuable they can be.

However, even if RSB becomes an overnight success, it's still only one night a week (with preparation time during the day too), so I have been pondering what else I could do. After my light bulb moment last year, I swore not to do any more training courses until I was earning more than I was spending...so what could i do with the skills I have?

At the end of last year I started thinking how much I would love to go back into child care...but I wasn't keen on nursery/preschool/school/child minding for a number of reasons. I did some searching and realised that I could go back full circle and be a nanny again. I didn't do anything about it though and the season moved on. Then last week a friend posted a link on facebook to a nanny agency...I am now actively seeking to register with the agency. I'm excited and trepidatious in equal measure at the idea of starting something new, but it feels 'just right'. I only want to work two or three days a week (it's been too many years since I was in full time employment to jump right back in, I would like to ease myself in gently and see how it goes!)

So, watch this space and see whether I'm any closer to finding 'wiwtbwigu'!

Voicing my thoughts

I am an infrequent blogger these days, however I am still a dedicated follower of several bloggers whom I admire greatly, I find their words so enriching, often putting into words the chaos from my own head so much more eloquently than I could. Or sharing thoughts, lifestyles and ideas so new and different to my own. Every now and then I get the time and the irresistible urge to put fingers to keyboard. Today is such a day!

Until I had children, my views on health were pretty bog standard. I would go so far as to say that I was a sheep, blindly following the rest of the herd, believing that it was best to leave these things to the professionals, the medics who know what they are doing. Never questioning, challenging nor taking responsibility for my own health and well being. Yet perhaps the seeds were already there for diversion from the path that the average person takes when it comes to health.

I had quite a strong urge to keep things as natural as possible, I occasionally took pain killers and indigestion medication and even more rarely took antibiotics. I also sometimes found other peoples approaches to managing their ill health a little baffling, was it really necessary to take strong pain killers, flu powders, cough mixture, decongestants, medicated throat lozenges and Night Nurse when really all you had was a heavy cold?  I didn't think so. The adverts would have us believe there is a magic medicine for most things and that we should take this or that and carry on with our lives. There seems to be an eternal quest for 'the magic bullet'; that we humans can conquer all ills and live long, healthy lives free from disease and disability. Striving to keep the elderly and 'born too early' babies alive at all costs. Replacing, repairing, transplanting....playing god. And far too much of this is lead by greed, the big pharmaceutical companies wield power that would make a bevy of Roman, Greek and Norse gods green with envy. Much of this makes me, at best deeply uncomfortable, at worse very angry indeed.

Throughout my first pregnancy the urge to 'keep things natural' and avoid medication wherever possible became more pronounced; in the early stages of labour I rang the midwife at midnight for pain relief advice and was unable to take her suggestion as there was no paracetamol in the flat. I had grown another human being with only the help of the occasional antacid. (I did, however, hand myself over to the medics for the labour and birth, but that's a story for another blog post!)

The shift really began when my eldest daughter was three. From just over a year old she had had eczema. I had sought help and advice from the GP and had been using the emollients, steroid creams and bath unguents that they prescribed. These appeared to ease the angry, red, itchy rash somewhat. But it never completely went away and any time we missed using them the rash became worse. It was also spreading and covering more and more of her beautiful, delicate, pale skin. The skin in the worst affected areas was also visibly thinner and more fragile the longer we used the creams. I don't recall all these years later exactly what made me look for something else, but I do know that my inner mama lioness was fierce, I wanted to protect my precious child and make things better for her. Something had to change. We went along to see a homeopath....and slowly but surely my views on health began to shift, grow and evolve.

I'm no longer a sheep.....I question, inquire, challenge and take responsibility for my health and whenever I can, the health and well being of my family. I no longer take medics or medicine at face value. They often get it horribly, horribly wrong, knowingly or not. Now, I can see many of you folding your arms and getting disgruntled and offended. Let me just make it perfectly clear that just because I choose to do things a different way to you does not mean that I am saying what you do is wrong. I do, however, firmly believe that the world would be a much better place if everyone looked a little more carefully at how they treat their own and their children's health. If decisions are made with thought and care and a true inquiry and understanding of those choices then no-one can do more. However, I'm pretty sure that the majority of the routes taken do not involve this level of questioning, inquiry or understanding. I believe this because that is the way I used to behave.

There are a lot of sheep blindly following other sheep and revering the medics. This, I believe, is a sad state of affairs. It can be difficult not to appear evangelic/crazy/obsessed/a freak when one does anything that is different to the norm. It can be exhausting continually swimming against the tide, a lone voice in the wilderness. I spend a lot of time being personally attacked for my beliefs and choices, and there have often been times when I have wished that I could unlearn what I have learned and just do what everyone else does. Sadly, I find that this is not an option, once I have discovered the lies and atrocities committed by the big pharmaceutical companies, begun to take back responsibility for my own health, truly understood the implications that following blindly can have, I can no longer go back to my old ways.

I'm also plagued by the knowledge of just how much more I could do. I am continually striving to strike the balance and change my lifestyle sufficiently to become truly healthy. I'm often challenging long, deeply held beliefs, habits and ways of being, many of which are so entrenched I'm hardly even aware of them.

So why write this? what do I hope it will achieve? Well blogging, generally for me is a way of taking some of the incessant voices out of my head and giving me quiet relief. I suppose I could achieve this in a less public domain by simply keeping a diary or journal. However, you may recall at the beginning of this post I confessed to devotedly following and admiring several regular bloggers. If they had kept their thoughts for a private diary or journal I wouldn't be able to enjoy and share them (unless they became published after their deaths Anne Frank style!) and for that my life would be a poorer. We have at our disposal this vast social forum, the internet, so why not use it and embrace it? If just one person enjoyed reading something that I have written, in the way that I feel enriched by reading other's words, I would be chuffed. If just one person questioned how they approach health, confirming for them that what they do is right for them or changing something that isn't right then I would be chuffed, a starfish returned to the ocean.

From time to time I wonder what messages my family, particularly my children, have taken on board about health. I recently had a fascinating chat with my twenty year old son that gave me a wonderful incite into some of his thoughts and beliefs around the subject. I have to say it warmed the cockles of my heart! And not because he was blindly following me and my beliefs. He wasn't, he had clearly thought and researched for himself. He appears to also be carrying the torch of enlightenment too, dropping gems of wisdom here and there on the fertile ground of his friends minds. Stating what I believes, questioning their actions and the actions of the medics. (I would be equally as pleased if he had researched and questioned and come up with differing views to me, which he often has done in many areas all throughout his life!) It does feel good though to feel that he is there with me, standing shoulder to shoulder, making our way through the sheep and the big pharma and challenging here and there, hopefully making a difference. There are many routes to good health, but so often the busy, well known ones are the only ones that people use. If, just once in a while we all choose a less well trodden route or even forge our own, I think the world could be a happier, healthier place.

So what do I do differently than I used to? The GP or medication is no longer my first port of call if I feel unwell. I consider what's going on in  my life, what am I doing or putting into my body that may be causing the symptoms? For additional support I turn to essential oils, homeopathy, supplements. I have deep concerns about vaccinations. I consider very carefully what I put onto my skin, avoiding petrochemicals etc. whenever I can. I respect the mind/body/spirit connection and take a holistic view of health, not compartmentalising as conventional medicine so often does. I take responsibility for myself and my health.
None of these things are that inflammatory or controversial, and yet to listen to some people speak you would think they were. I have, over the years been accused of neglecting and damaging my children, being crazy/kooky/irresponsible and just plain wrong. The areas in which I hold strong views often engender strong emotions in people...when this is the case I would suggest that there is a reason for this and simply ask to be treated with respect. Please don't think ill of me, or call me stupid. I have thought long and hard and researched widely before making most of my decisions, my hope is that you do the same and for a healthier world.

I think I have wandered from the path that I set out on when I began writing this post as I often do, I'm sure there were many thoughts and ideas that I was going to share that are lost in the ether. But that's the way my creative mind rolls, so be it!

I will end this by wishing you all good health, thanks for listening!

More good things.

This year was also my parents 50th wedding anniversary. For a while it looked as though we may not be able to get our combined backsides into gear to organise a suitable celebration...but in the end all came good (as it almost always does!).

A Sunday meal at Wentbridge House http://www.wentbridgehouse.co.uk/ was settled upon. There were 16 of us, Mum, dad, me, Chris and our three plus Kate (Joe was at work unfortunately), Rob and Laura, John, Nat, Edward and Nat's mum plus my mum's brother Peter and his wife Linda.

The weather was lovely, dare I say a little too warm?! The venue was great. The food pretty good and the company just perfect.

Wentbridge house

 

 

Ed choosing his piece of cake.

Mum and Dad

Mum and Peter.

Me and my brood.

All the grandchildren.

 

All of us.