Messages from my soul/the Universe

For the past four weeks I have taken leave from my paid work so that I can support my eldest daughter and her fiance as they became first time parents...it has been an amazing four weeks and I feel so privileged to be part of this unfolding story.

Yesterday afternoon I felt the early signs of a migraine. I listened to my body, went home, drank lots of water, took a homeopathic remedy and put myself to bed. I slept through the late afternoon and into the early evening when I woke starving hungry and full of energy. I made myself a healthier version of the junky snack I was craving and went back to bed, where I slept well until early morning.

I woke with chronic indigestion! And energy. And fire in my belly....I woke raging at the world or rather the people and injustices. I'm not quite sure what the Universe/my soul is trying to tell me right now, but it's screaming about so much! Yesterday I listened to my body, gave it the rest that it needed, now I need to trust that all will become clear, that I will figure out why I am feeling like this and what to do with this energy....

Being a human on this planet is never dull, often challenging, magical, frustrating, rewarding, infuriating, the list goes on. 50+ years I have been here, in this incarnation, each time I feel like I have it sussed something comes along and wallops that feeling away!

Well the sun is shining, the days are staying lighter noticeably longer, my little grandson has been earthside for four whole weeks! (How? How can it have been four weeks already!) So I will get on with my day and my life and hope that all becomes clear and the fire in my belly simmers back to a gentle pilot light again!

Four weeks ago

Yesterday.....smiling and 'talking' already

The day the world changed forever pt one

I'm trying to find the words to write this post...it's going to be a long one! On Thursday morning I woke up as normal and began the day as usual with yoga and juice.

Lorna, my eldest daughter, was 39 weeks and 5 days pregnant.

It was a beautiful sunny day so I text her and suggested that we get some photos of her and her partner, Joe whilst she still had a bump. She messaged back saying "OK we might be experiencing a bit of something :/ bh or something dno...x to which I sent lots of excited emoji's! She wanted to know how she would know what's real and I told her she'd know, but that it is all real! Even Braxton Hicks are helping your womb tone up, a bit like an orchestra tuning up. But that she should look for regular sensations lasting up to a minute long. She told me they were not lasting very long yet, but seemed quite regular about every 10-15 minute. She had told Joe to start timing, it could be his job....he got his stopwatch out! I said it was best to get on with life as normally as possible, keep upright and keep moving.


So they put a sausage casserole into the slow cooker and then popped round before a routine check-up with the midwife and I took some pictures...she was looking radiant.

After the midwife appointment they were at a loose end so I took them out for a coffee and a toastie and then we went our separate ways, with the understanding that they would call me if they needed me (I was privileged to have been asked to be one of her birth partners alongside Joe and the midwives).

We continued to message back and forth over the evening. The twinges continued, becoming more frequent but not very long and not too intense. By 6.30 pm they were quite a bit stronger and Lorna started to panic that they would continue for a long time and that she wouldn't be able to cope. I offered some ideas for managing in early labour and told her to let me know if/when she wanted me to come round.

I had already put my wash kit and a few other bits in a bag the night before...it's weird how these thing go, it's almost like I sensed something was coming!

She text me around 9.30 pm saying she couldn't do this for days, we messaged back and forth for half an hour and then I suggested I popped round to see how things were and how I could help.

When I arrived, she was definitely in early labour. Each contraction had her running to the loo with diarrhoea, and it wasn't long before she pretty much set up camp on the loo with a bucket close at hand because she felt so nauseous with each contraction! (though she didn't actually vomit). She seemed to get two contractions close together each lasting about 30 seconds, then 2 or 3 minutes later she would have another one. She was instinctively using her breath to manage the sensations. In the rare moments that she stood up, she would do a lovely labour dance, rocking gently from side to side whilst rubbing her belly.

She was managing so well that it was hard to tell whether it was just very early labour or more established, I suspected that she was quite well along. Every so often she was getting stuck in her thinking brain, panicking and tensing up and shivering. But as soon as she was reminded to get back to her breathing things would get going well again.

Around midnight we rang the labour ward to speak to a midwife to find out whether the community midwife needed to be called out yet or not. I filled them in and then passed the phone to Lorna. I could hear them giving her the advice they give to any woman in early labour and was transported back 25 years to when I was in labour with Lorna! Take a warm bath, some paracetamol and call us again a bit later or if you are worried. Bathing/washing can be challenging for Lorna as this aggravates her eczema and she had said all along that she didn't want a water birth for this reason, getting in a warm bath now was unlikely to calm her down. She tried a little liquid paracetamol but it made her feel sick, and to be honest I don't think she needed it.

She seemed to be progressing nicely, still using just her breath. Every so often she would try a different position, but always ended up perched back on the loo. We turned off the bathroom light and just put a lamp on the landing.

We had all entered a different time zone by now, the contractions were still quite close together lasting between 30 and 45 seconds. And my memory is fuzzy. We called the labour ward again just before 2 am. I explained that the contractions were still close together and quite intense but didn't seem to me lasting much longer each time. Lorna was again concerned that things would go on for a long time, and she would run out of steam. I thought they said the community midwife would ring back in ten minutes, but 45 minutes later she hadn't called so I rang then again and was told she was on her way out.

The community midwife, V, arrived not long after. She put all the lights back on and assessed what was happening and said it all looked very good. She took Lorna's blood pressure, temperature, pulse and listened in to babies heart beat etc. She checked and said that Lorna was 5 cm dilated. This was brilliant news and meant that once she was established back on the loo, with the lights dimmed again, things really felt like they were moving along.

I was beside Lorna now, holding her hand, rubbing her leg. Every so often she would look deep into my eyes asking verbally or just with her eyes if everything was OK and normal, I kept reassuring her that it was. Joe was a great support, making cups of tea for the midwife; fetching anything he was asked, talking to Lorna.

With each contraction she was going deeper into herself, calming and quietening. Occasionally she would say "what was that?" and with a little encouragement she would describe the sensation she was talking about and we were able to explain and reassure. As things progressed the occasional "what was that turned into "what the f*** was that?"!

My memory gets a little fuzzy from then on as we were all in a different time zone, labour time is a magical thing! But the midwife quietly kept coming in to listen in to babies heart beat and take Lorna's pulse every 15 minutes or so. She remained outside the bathroom, getting everything ready, the rest of the time. V kept joking that baby would be born down the loo! but Lorna was only comfy when she was sitting on it.

V phoned the second midwife to fill her in, but said not to rush...I heard her joke "put some slap on B, you don't want to scare anyone!" About an hour later B arrived. I gently pushed the bathroom door closed a little more so that Lorna wouldn't be disturbed by the light and the 1st midwife filling the 2nd in on progress. Joe made more tea, apparently he makes a really good cup of tea!

I think it was somewhere around 5.30 am, after a little lull, the contractions changed and Lorna started to make a few pushing sounds, I glanced over at V with excited eyes, we both knew this baby would be here pretty soon.

After the second urge to push, Lorna got down on the bathroom floor on her hands and knees, head facing the bath. I sat on the edge of the bath on one side, Joe on the other. I pressed the palm of my hand on the lower part of her back and rubbed firmly each time she bore down.

At one point, just after a contraction, Lorna exclaimed "I don't know why they tell you to push (i.e. on the TV and stuff) you have no bloody choice!" All along she had been going with her body, letting it do its thing. After only two or three pushes the midwife said she could see the baby’s head. A couple more pushes and Lorna's language became even more flowery! "What the f*** is that?" We explained that baby's head was almost out, stretching everything to the max..."well it bl**** hurts she gasped...I told her that it meant JB would be here any moment.

Joe sensibly stayed by Lorna's head, this was all very new territory for him!

The next push and baby was crowning, a moment later we could see babies face! It was magical, that moment when baby is suspended just between the two worlds, not quite here yet but no longer in the womb. The little face was blowing bubbles and trying to make sounds. I told Lorna what I could see, and that it was a beautiful face. I also spoke gently to baby, saying hello.

After a short pause in contractions, Lorna bore down again, as gently as she could and baby turned, before shooting out in a tsunami of bloody amniotic fluid!

The baby was manoeuvred up underneath Lorna as she was helped to sit leaning against the bathroom door.

I looked to see whether it was a boy or girl and asked if they had seen, just tell us was the response..."it's a boy!" This was about 6.30 am. The look on Lorna and Joe's faces was amazement. "It's a baby! He came out of me!" Lorna said incredulously.

When the cord had finished pulsing, the midwife clamped it and showed Joe where to cut. It took a good few snips!

Lorna then noticed that she was having contractions again, ready to birth the placenta. Still leaning against the bathroom door, holding baby, she asked if it would feel the same as birthing the baby. We explained that no, it was smaller and squishier. Joe was still sitting on the side of the bath, but now he had a ring side view...so when the placenta shot into the world he got a bit of shock!

To Be Continued

Ch ch ch changes again.

Today has been a day of memories and emotions for me.

The first memory is of this day 15 years ago, when I sat glued to the tv screen as the horrific events in New York unfolded before me...

The next memory was of driving Josh to University for the first time, 5 years ago, and just how bereft I felt as I left him in Manchester and drove home in floods of tears. Maybe subconsciously I realised then that this was our goodbye, that he would never come back to live in Darlington with us. In a few weeks he leaves behind life in the UK to have adventures half way around the world. Now whilst I am excited for him, and truly hope that he has a wonderful time, I am also keenly aware of just how much I am going to miss him.

Having children, being a mother, is the best, most challenging and most rewarding thing that I have ever, or will ever do. But if I thought times were challenging when they were small I had no idea! Being the parent of adults is something else all together! I loved seeing the people that they turned into, but oh my goodness, when they are having a tough time and you can no longer kiss it better or shield them from harm, it hurts so deeply. The thought of being thousands of miles away is particularly scary...but what I am learning, is that whilst we never stop worrying and we will always do whatever we can, whenever we can, we do have to let go so that they can fly. Even if that means crash landings, aborted flights and changes in schedules. I guess even when they were little this held true, but I could pretend that I had more control than I really did!

This last year and a half has certainly held a lot of change, excitement and celebration, and there is so much to look forward to in the coming year.

So Josh, take good care and have the best adventures, I look forward to hearing all about it and giving you a big hug, I'm sure a year will fly by.

Stream of conciousness, the juicy revolution and me.

I'm feeling the need to talk my thoughts out!
So, over the last year and a bit I have been on quite a journey, perhaps the approach to my half century spurred things along! I lost around three stone, easily and kept on losing a little, gaining a pound or two but then losing three more. Until the end of the year, when I had gone back up to 11 7. That's ok I thought I can do another juice fast and the weight will drop off and all will be well with my world.

Except this time it has felt harder, I have been battling food demons, craving rubbish and the weight hasn't fallen off. I have got back down to 11 3, which is still bloomin' amazing, but I have been feeling frustrated and more than a little bit scared that this time I'm really in trouble.

You see, for many years I weighed more than was healthy. My diet was never horrendous, but it obviously wasn't ideal either. I tried several diets/weight loss programmes. Sometimes I had good results, but increasingly next to nothing happened apart from my soul being crushed! And always I went back to 'normal' and piled back on any weight I had lost and a bit more for good measure. I tried thinking myself slim....
I knew in my heart that I needed to completely change my lifestyle and eating habits for life as well as changing my mind set. But honestly didn't know where to start.

Being ill over the holidays in 2014 and then starting my juicing journey seemed to be the catalyst that I had needed. And for most of 2015 things were great. But then I let things slip, not everything, but enough for the weight to start creeping up and my self worth to start falling off.

Since 2016 began I have followed two weeks of Super Juice Me and last week I followed the Juice Yourself Slim juice fast. I have got my weight down to 11 3, which I'm not going to lie, feels like something of a let down. I have fallen off the wagon here and there, I found myself buying not one but two almond croissants the other day and not just eating them but positively inhaling them...I wasn't even hungry, what the heck was that all about??

Then today I woke up feel like death, head full of cotton wool, nose and eyes streaming. Oh great! The wee lad that I look after has obviously been more than generous with his cold germs! I wallowed for a while. Then I got up, had some hot water and lemon (as I do most every day) but with a little ginger and honey too, had a ginger shot to help me fight the virus, had my smoothie and gave myself the day off. I was sad to not have my faithful nurse to look after me, but put myself back to bed and started reading the Jason Vale 5:2 juice diet book.

And I am starting to feel that I have some perspective back. I have obviously reached a point in my weight between 11 3 and 11 7, that is where my body wants to be. Yes in my head I WANT to be 10 stone or less...but to achieve that probably isn't healthy or realistic or compatible with my current life. I'm still so much healthier, happier and lighter than I have been for many many years. My tolerance point has shifted, I only need to gain 3lbs or so and I am proactive about changing my life to get back the balance. And I'm changing from a diet mentality to having a healthy outlook on life.

So here is my pledge, I'm putting it out here for the world to see, and so that I can come back to it whenever I need reminding. I am going to follow the Jason Vale 5:2 juice diet system, this means any two days during the week I will drink four juices as 'prescribed' on the programme. Three days I will eat 'clean' healthy delicious meals and then the other two days I will be human! This I will maintain for life, I will have days where things don't go to plan, heck I may even have a week or so! Four times a year I will put myself in for a service, i.e. I will follow a week long juice fast, giving my body a break, feeding it only freshly extracted juices and resetting my system. I will continue to move my body at least 5 out of the 7 days a week, bouncing, practising yoga, walking, cycling, pilates, Zumba, running up and down the stairs! I am going to continue to love my body and appreciate all that it does for me, for without it I would not be alive. I am going to put behind me the demons, the self loathing and down talking and being positive, excited for the future whilst firmly living in the here and now.

Join me if you like, join the juicy revolution and get healthy and stay healthy.

Namaste.

October stream of conciousness

October....how?
Things I'm loving. Chill, misty mornings that gradually warm with golden, soft sunlight. The leaves changing colour and beginning to fall. Collecting conkers. That autumn smell....fire smoke, earth, leaves. The excitement of Halloween around the corner. Soup.

I'm so frustrated with lots of things....every time I try to register or update anything connected to my Microsoft account it resolutely refuses to send me a code. I have been waiting to restore my Windows phone to it's factory settings (in the hope that this will get it working properly again. An upgrade isn't a realistic option right now as there is nothing on the market that comes close to what I would like.) today I bit the bullet....only to discover that, yet again, no code therefore I can't restore all my apps and stuff. Which led to the further disappointing discovery that Here drive is no longer available...and there doesn't seem to be anything that comes close. I loved Nokia drive which then became Here drive, the free sat nav that was built into Windows phones. I am very disillusioned with Windows phones in general since Microsoft took over from Nokia. But I am equally unimpressed by the alternatives on the market. I am waiting on Microsoft to get back to me with a code...I'll see how I go from there.

I have almost caught up with printing photos and putting them into albums....that does feel good! I have mentioned before that I like to mix the old with the new, I take pictures...lots of pictures (though a lot less whilst my Lumia 1020 has been out of action!) I Instagram, post them on facebook, store them on my hard-drive and save them to disc and then, a selection, I also print and put into albums. I love the quality of digital prints online and on the screen but there is nothing can replace physically flicking forwards and backwards through an album of prints.

Last weekend I went to visit my baby girl in Leeds, we shopped, we drank cocktails and we went to see Fall Out Boy. We walked and walked and chatted and chatted. I miss her terribly, but it is as it should be, she is living her life, learning and growing....it only seems a moment since she was born, since we were walking home together after dropping her siblings at school, chattering about this and that. Hugging....we still hug, she is a hug monster, and long may that continue.

I see my big girl regularly too. We have watched Great British Bake Off together and usually spend most of the day together having lunch, shopping etc.

Last Sunday, Chris and I walked at Richmond and ate yummies at the Station. Then we went to see Starsailor. It was very chummy, cheek by jowl with lots of people we don't know (why do the people who drink the most alcohol insist on standing near the front and therefore need to walk all the way back for the loo/ bar? And do I have a sign on my head that says walk way just here? Because it doesn't seem to matter where I stand, that always becomes the most direct route that everyone else needs to take! But oh my goodness it was a fantastic gig! So close to the band I could clearly see them (well, when I craned my neck round the tall people who always stand right in front of me, is that just me too?!) And so worth the late night (even though I could have cried with tiredness when bathing and putting the little cherubs to bed before driving home in the dark!)

I am so thankful for my job. To get out of the house. To spend time with two wonderful children, To watch them grow and learn. Being a mum is the best job/role ever, being a nanny and getting paid to be a sort of surrogate mummy/granny is the next best thing! Turning up each morning and wondering what the day will hold. Snuggling a chunky one year old whilst he settles for his nap. Taking him to a singing group, with lots of other gorgeous wee ones, singing, dancing. Seeing the wonder on his face when he catches bubbles. It's almost possible to see his brain growing and expanding as he learns new things every moment of every day. He's beginning to chatter now....he said my name for the first time this week. Kim has proved quite tricky for most of my little charges to say, I was Tim for a long time! At the moment the way he says it is more like one of those African dialects where they sort of 'Gnim', but it is most definitely Kim! Rising to the challenges of a tired 4 year old when she comes out of school. Sharing (unwillingly) their germs!

Continuing to work at being healthy and fit...not always easy to be sensible and look after myself when I don't get home from work until 8 pm...my temptation is to waste time on social media and stay up too late when really I need to find balance by exercising, doing yoga, meditating, eating well and sleeping earlier than I usually manage....but I'm doing ok. I'm still manahing some bouncing and yoga is my saviour...sore lower back, resolved with a yoga session, head all over the place resolved by a yoga session, aching neck and shoulders...you guessed it yoga is the answer! I'm still eating (fairly) sensibly and keeping the weight off. Balance....yes that's what it's all about....

The house is (slowly) getting there....it's almost a year since the building work began! (shudder! whilst the end result is most definitely worth it, the process was extremely challenging!) But when I reflect on all that we have done in the last few years it's quite impressive! First we had the driveway extended, then we redecorated the hall, stairs and landing, next the new kitchen, then we redecorated our bedroom, then the building work...the new room is now completely decorated and furnished, it is such a lovely room, calm and quiet (I have been doing my yoga in there). The guest room (Lorna's old room) is redecorated and over the summer Heather and I redecorated her room ( better mention Chris wallpapered and laid laminate flooring!) I won't list all the things that remain to be done!

Window coverings for the porch and new room

Happy autumn! 🎃🌞🍁

Shifting, changing, nostalgia and love

Yesterday was the first day of autumn...this scares me more than a little...the year seems to be flying by.

A change in season often makes me stop and think and reflect. This particular seasonal shift seems to reflect a life season change for me. Life looks quite different for me these days, no longer the mamma to baby birds who need my full attention. Our home is suddenly quiet and tidy as H has returned to university, J has moved out after his brief stay back home and L is busy across town in her own cosy home.

There are many things that I am enjoying and looking forward to at this time of change. However there are also many things that I miss, look back longingly on and moments that take my breath away with the sheer raw sadness and longing for what has passed and will never be again. I really am working on embracing this phase of life, accepting the role as crone/wise woman...but Oh my! it really only seems such a short moment since I was embracing and accepting the role of mother...how can 24+ years have gone by so quickly?

I am so grateful to have returned to working with little ones to satisfy my passionate need to be around wee ones, nurturing, coaxing, teaching and learning from. Snuggling, tickling, loving whilst stretching every last ounce of patience. Occasionally feeling old and tired but mostly feeling inspired and rejuvenated, almost as if being around these amazing little ones can turn back the clock for me and make me young again.

It has been quite a year, physically there is a lot less of me than there has been for many years. Ending 2014 with a couple of nasty bugs meant that I lost quite a bit of weight. I was then inspired to try juicing and have become a devoted fan of Jason Vale, The Juice Master! (Four books, one wall planner, one dvd, one cd, one rebounder and one rebounding dvd and a visit to his retreat booked!)

I started off in January with the Juice Yourself Slim 7 day programme. This was a lovely gentle introduction for me as it combines juices and smoothies with soups and salads. He encourages you to read the entire book from start to finish before beginning the program. As I began to read I thought, I know this stuff, what can he possibly say that I don't know? And indeed I did know a lot of it...but some of it I didn't know and some of it just hadn't really hit home before. I have known for a long time that I needed to lose weight, move more, eat healthier. But I also knew that fad diets were not the answer. I needed to change my life. Starting Juice Yourself Slim was the beginning of that life change. I never felt like I was on a diet, never felt deprived or particularly hungry. What I did feel was inspired, vibrant and full of energy. I was also beginning to like my body for the first time, ever! I could look in the mirror and like what I saw, had to buy new clothes and retrieve old favourites from the dark recesses of my wardrobe. Lesson number one was to get out of diet mentality. To stop obsessing about the foods that I couldn't have and focus on all the wonderful foods I could have. And if I wanted/craved chocolate/cake/bread whatever to eat it! The world wouldn't fall apart, the 'diet' wouldn't be ruined! I know that for me (as it is for many other people) cravings and often feeling hungry are actually nothing to do with food, but everything to do with emotions. This I have known for a long time, but I am learning to address it.

After the 7 days I continued to replace at least one meal a day (usually breakfast) with a juice or smoothie. I have learned to appreciate that smoothies and juices are not just a drink, they are whole, life affirming, scrumptious meals. On the few days when I have not started my day with freshly extracted juice I feel hungry, grumpy and out of sorts. I have also begun eating food that is much less processed (even cooking is a form of processing! so sticking to raw or lightly cooked foods, as close to their natural state as possible). I am no saint, and I am very easily lead by the people that I love and slip back to eating sandwiches, pizza and puds...but I will have a big salad and just a couple of slices of pizza, I will have a small piece of cake and a side of fruit instead of ice cream.

As the season changed to summer, and I had slipped back into some of my old habits I felt in need of a reminder of how to live well. I took up the next 7 day 'challenge' and followed the 7 lbs in 7 days program. Again I read the book from beginning to end before starting the program. Again I felt I already knew it all. Again I was proven right and wrong! The main lesson I learned with this program was the the joy of moving. I had certainly been more active this year, getting up early at the weekend to go swimming, the occasional bike ride and walk, but with this detox I wanted more. I invested in a rebounder, a mini trampoline so that I could do something every day, half an hour in the morning and half an hour in the evening. I experienced the amazing paradox that if I was tired, weary, or grumpy, jumping on the trampoline for half an hour restored me and gave me more energy than I knew what to do with! Getting into the habit of doing some form of physical activity, every single day has been a wonderful, unexpected joy!

As the year rolls on and I am still loving my body, I am still learning and working on my life. Living day by day and working on not getting sucked back into too many old habits. I know that I can follow a juice detox every now and then to reset myself. Put myself back on track. If you had told me less than a year ago that I would own and enjoy wearing sports clothing (all Lycra, neon colours and figure hugging!) I would have laughed and rolled my eyes. If you had told me that I would set the alarm to get up early enough to work out for half an hour before starting my day I would have said "yeah, right!" If you had told me that I would be wearing size 12 skinny jeans and looking in the mirror loving the reflection I would have called for the men in white coats to come and get you! But all these things are true...I don't think I can remember the last time I fit into a size 12 anything! And even when I did, I certainly didn't appreciate my body (in my head I was always fat, when I made an album for my beloved to commemorate 25 years together I fished out old photos...I was truly shocked to look at the skinny young woman in those photos as she did not have the body that I remembered inhabiting at the time).

So cheers to loving my body, and to embracing this empty nest. Cheers to being a working woman, I think I have (finally) found what I want to be when I grow up...and it turns out that that means coming full circle and doing what I always loved the most! The journey here has been a blast and I have no regrets. I'm sure that if I had continued to work with children I would have begun to hate it. Coming back to it now just feels right.

Cheers also to almost having the house sorted. This time last year we were on the cusp of starting some major renovations, (my sanity and the bank balance were pushed to their very limits!) with a few detours (revamping H's bedroom and turning L's old room into a guest room weren't originally in the plan!) The 'new' room, which had no identity for ages has become a wonderful oasis of calm. Light, bright and peaceful with a wall full of books and a couple of chairs it is a great space just to be! I am looking forward to practising my yoga in there now that there are blinds at the windows.

The laundry room is a joy, yes it would have been even more joyful to have had such a space when the family were younger but hey ho! The same goes for the kitchen, I finally have the space that I have always dreamed of. A living kitchen, the beating heart of my now quiet home! But at least over the summer it got used to it's full potential with L, H and myself cooking up lovely meals and treats together in an elaborate dance! And I am looking forward to visitors who will sit on the comfy chairs by the carefully chosen table chatting to me whilst I potter around preparing dinner!

I may even finish decorating it...if I can settle on a colour!

Down down

I'm in a funk, I'm feeling blue....I  have absolutely no good reason to be but there it is, that is the way of mental health.

Lost, disconnected, lonely, drifting in a sea of grey humdrum.

I'm unsure whether this post will make the cut, whether I will hit publish or not...if I do and I appear to be wallowing I apologise in advance...but let's see if any good comes of putting some of these thoughts 'down on paper'.

This time last year I was a month into busyness. A birth retreat with amazing sisters, recharging on holiday with my beloved one, learning the skill of teaching relax stretch and breathe (gosh is that only a year ago, feels like that skill has been around much longer), then in the new year beginning teaching RSB and studying to take this further with yoga for pregnancy, training to become a Natal hypnotherapy practitioner and a wonderful holiday across the pond. It was crazy for a while...and despite missing some of the slow, carefree autumn and winter pace and kitchen witchery, I soaked it all up. At the end of June things slowed, almost stopped. I stopped teaching RSB as the wonderful group of women that I had been teaching all had their babies, I stopped teaching antenatal courses as I realised I was finding them a struggle, I had completed all the work for YfP and received my certificate from Worcester uni. I wrote the assignments for Natal hypnotherapy, but put off the assessment until the autumn. And for a while it was great to kick back and relax. All the children (it feels odd calling them children, now that they are not...but what else could I call them?) were home and the sun shone for weeks on end (no it really did!).

But then September rolled around and the funk began to descend. Despite receiving enquiries for relax stretch and breathe not enough are making a booking so I'm struggling to get it back off the ground. And on the whole I'm left feeling as if I'm back to square one. I have been studying since 2001 with a view to finding out 'what I want to be when I grow up' i.e. finding gainful employment. As much as I have loved almost every second of my studies and have grown and changed and learned so much I'm a completely different person...but I don't feel any closer to having it sorted. I don't have regular, paid work and I don't feel as if I have found myself...meh! that all sounds pretentious and self obsessed.

So how do I move forward? How do I find a job that I can enjoy, working during the day on week days, probably part time and earning more than it costs...