Shifting, changing, nostalgia and love

Yesterday was the first day of autumn...this scares me more than a little...the year seems to be flying by.

A change in season often makes me stop and think and reflect. This particular seasonal shift seems to reflect a life season change for me. Life looks quite different for me these days, no longer the mamma to baby birds who need my full attention. Our home is suddenly quiet and tidy as H has returned to university, J has moved out after his brief stay back home and L is busy across town in her own cosy home.

There are many things that I am enjoying and looking forward to at this time of change. However there are also many things that I miss, look back longingly on and moments that take my breath away with the sheer raw sadness and longing for what has passed and will never be again. I really am working on embracing this phase of life, accepting the role as crone/wise woman...but Oh my! it really only seems such a short moment since I was embracing and accepting the role of mother...how can 24+ years have gone by so quickly?

I am so grateful to have returned to working with little ones to satisfy my passionate need to be around wee ones, nurturing, coaxing, teaching and learning from. Snuggling, tickling, loving whilst stretching every last ounce of patience. Occasionally feeling old and tired but mostly feeling inspired and rejuvenated, almost as if being around these amazing little ones can turn back the clock for me and make me young again.

It has been quite a year, physically there is a lot less of me than there has been for many years. Ending 2014 with a couple of nasty bugs meant that I lost quite a bit of weight. I was then inspired to try juicing and have become a devoted fan of Jason Vale, The Juice Master! (Four books, one wall planner, one dvd, one cd, one rebounder and one rebounding dvd and a visit to his retreat booked!)

I started off in January with the Juice Yourself Slim 7 day programme. This was a lovely gentle introduction for me as it combines juices and smoothies with soups and salads. He encourages you to read the entire book from start to finish before beginning the program. As I began to read I thought, I know this stuff, what can he possibly say that I don't know? And indeed I did know a lot of it...but some of it I didn't know and some of it just hadn't really hit home before. I have known for a long time that I needed to lose weight, move more, eat healthier. But I also knew that fad diets were not the answer. I needed to change my life. Starting Juice Yourself Slim was the beginning of that life change. I never felt like I was on a diet, never felt deprived or particularly hungry. What I did feel was inspired, vibrant and full of energy. I was also beginning to like my body for the first time, ever! I could look in the mirror and like what I saw, had to buy new clothes and retrieve old favourites from the dark recesses of my wardrobe. Lesson number one was to get out of diet mentality. To stop obsessing about the foods that I couldn't have and focus on all the wonderful foods I could have. And if I wanted/craved chocolate/cake/bread whatever to eat it! The world wouldn't fall apart, the 'diet' wouldn't be ruined! I know that for me (as it is for many other people) cravings and often feeling hungry are actually nothing to do with food, but everything to do with emotions. This I have known for a long time, but I am learning to address it.

After the 7 days I continued to replace at least one meal a day (usually breakfast) with a juice or smoothie. I have learned to appreciate that smoothies and juices are not just a drink, they are whole, life affirming, scrumptious meals. On the few days when I have not started my day with freshly extracted juice I feel hungry, grumpy and out of sorts. I have also begun eating food that is much less processed (even cooking is a form of processing! so sticking to raw or lightly cooked foods, as close to their natural state as possible). I am no saint, and I am very easily lead by the people that I love and slip back to eating sandwiches, pizza and puds...but I will have a big salad and just a couple of slices of pizza, I will have a small piece of cake and a side of fruit instead of ice cream.

As the season changed to summer, and I had slipped back into some of my old habits I felt in need of a reminder of how to live well. I took up the next 7 day 'challenge' and followed the 7 lbs in 7 days program. Again I read the book from beginning to end before starting the program. Again I felt I already knew it all. Again I was proven right and wrong! The main lesson I learned with this program was the the joy of moving. I had certainly been more active this year, getting up early at the weekend to go swimming, the occasional bike ride and walk, but with this detox I wanted more. I invested in a rebounder, a mini trampoline so that I could do something every day, half an hour in the morning and half an hour in the evening. I experienced the amazing paradox that if I was tired, weary, or grumpy, jumping on the trampoline for half an hour restored me and gave me more energy than I knew what to do with! Getting into the habit of doing some form of physical activity, every single day has been a wonderful, unexpected joy!

As the year rolls on and I am still loving my body, I am still learning and working on my life. Living day by day and working on not getting sucked back into too many old habits. I know that I can follow a juice detox every now and then to reset myself. Put myself back on track. If you had told me less than a year ago that I would own and enjoy wearing sports clothing (all Lycra, neon colours and figure hugging!) I would have laughed and rolled my eyes. If you had told me that I would set the alarm to get up early enough to work out for half an hour before starting my day I would have said "yeah, right!" If you had told me that I would be wearing size 12 skinny jeans and looking in the mirror loving the reflection I would have called for the men in white coats to come and get you! But all these things are true...I don't think I can remember the last time I fit into a size 12 anything! And even when I did, I certainly didn't appreciate my body (in my head I was always fat, when I made an album for my beloved to commemorate 25 years together I fished out old photos...I was truly shocked to look at the skinny young woman in those photos as she did not have the body that I remembered inhabiting at the time).

So cheers to loving my body, and to embracing this empty nest. Cheers to being a working woman, I think I have (finally) found what I want to be when I grow up...and it turns out that that means coming full circle and doing what I always loved the most! The journey here has been a blast and I have no regrets. I'm sure that if I had continued to work with children I would have begun to hate it. Coming back to it now just feels right.

Cheers also to almost having the house sorted. This time last year we were on the cusp of starting some major renovations, (my sanity and the bank balance were pushed to their very limits!) with a few detours (revamping H's bedroom and turning L's old room into a guest room weren't originally in the plan!) The 'new' room, which had no identity for ages has become a wonderful oasis of calm. Light, bright and peaceful with a wall full of books and a couple of chairs it is a great space just to be! I am looking forward to practising my yoga in there now that there are blinds at the windows.

The laundry room is a joy, yes it would have been even more joyful to have had such a space when the family were younger but hey ho! The same goes for the kitchen, I finally have the space that I have always dreamed of. A living kitchen, the beating heart of my now quiet home! But at least over the summer it got used to it's full potential with L, H and myself cooking up lovely meals and treats together in an elaborate dance! And I am looking forward to visitors who will sit on the comfy chairs by the carefully chosen table chatting to me whilst I potter around preparing dinner!

I may even finish decorating it...if I can settle on a colour!

Down down

I'm in a funk, I'm feeling blue....I  have absolutely no good reason to be but there it is, that is the way of mental health.

Lost, disconnected, lonely, drifting in a sea of grey humdrum.

I'm unsure whether this post will make the cut, whether I will hit publish or not...if I do and I appear to be wallowing I apologise in advance...but let's see if any good comes of putting some of these thoughts 'down on paper'.

This time last year I was a month into busyness. A birth retreat with amazing sisters, recharging on holiday with my beloved one, learning the skill of teaching relax stretch and breathe (gosh is that only a year ago, feels like that skill has been around much longer), then in the new year beginning teaching RSB and studying to take this further with yoga for pregnancy, training to become a Natal hypnotherapy practitioner and a wonderful holiday across the pond. It was crazy for a while...and despite missing some of the slow, carefree autumn and winter pace and kitchen witchery, I soaked it all up. At the end of June things slowed, almost stopped. I stopped teaching RSB as the wonderful group of women that I had been teaching all had their babies, I stopped teaching antenatal courses as I realised I was finding them a struggle, I had completed all the work for YfP and received my certificate from Worcester uni. I wrote the assignments for Natal hypnotherapy, but put off the assessment until the autumn. And for a while it was great to kick back and relax. All the children (it feels odd calling them children, now that they are not...but what else could I call them?) were home and the sun shone for weeks on end (no it really did!).

But then September rolled around and the funk began to descend. Despite receiving enquiries for relax stretch and breathe not enough are making a booking so I'm struggling to get it back off the ground. And on the whole I'm left feeling as if I'm back to square one. I have been studying since 2001 with a view to finding out 'what I want to be when I grow up' i.e. finding gainful employment. As much as I have loved almost every second of my studies and have grown and changed and learned so much I'm a completely different person...but I don't feel any closer to having it sorted. I don't have regular, paid work and I don't feel as if I have found myself...meh! that all sounds pretentious and self obsessed.

So how do I move forward? How do I find a job that I can enjoy, working during the day on week days, probably part time and earning more than it costs...

Ch ch ch changes...

I am catching up reading the blogs that I follow. Life is pretty full these days with three days a week at work, continuing renovations to the house and the new and improved me that likes to swim, cycle and walk this ole body into it's new and changing shape and fitness.

So, back to the blog posts, I've just read two with a similar theme about our children growing up and holding onto the shifting sand of their 'littleness'....it seems that almost without me noticing, my three have changed and grown beyond recognition. Yet they are the same as ever really, all that has changed is external to them. I'm waffling, sorry, I'm trying to put into words stuff that defies words. It's a feeling, a heartbeat, memories, dreams and anticipation.

Our eldest, always the pioneer for firsts is once again stepping into her covered wagon to negotiate new territory. For a brief while she took a back seat, her two younger siblings flying the nest before her to go off the university whilst she stayed in the safety and comfort of home for her university journey. But now she is taking up the reins again... she and her fiancé are buying their first home together and will soon leave the family home....

It all feels surreal, exciting and scary in equal measure... each new phase has been like this for me, for her, for us together...I guess I should really just go with the ride and stop trying to picture what the future will look like, feel like, be like... but it is hard to resist trying to peak around the corner to see what may be there, put my toes in the water and see if I like it...

It is also hard not to hanker back to the past, to remember and revel in the long past days when she was a tiny wee thing, never more than a heartbeat away from me, dependant, snuggly and utterly adorable. But we can never go back (and truly who really wants to?). Time moves on, and we embrace the new, standing back and watching in awe as our children master each new skill, each new life phase.

I love that my three camera shy children agreed to having their picture taken the other weekend. I love you to the moon and back guys. You will always be my babies, but I am so proud of you all. Thank you for choosing me to be your mum, you have made me the person I am.... you have made me complete. I will always be here for you.

Some ramblings....

Wow, well there's been a few changes around here in the last couple of weeks.

Two weekends ago we drove to Salford to drop Josh off to begin the next exciting chapter in his life. He is living in a concrete nightmare....sorry HE thinks it's a really cool pod style studio flat! He's really close to Media city (even I could feel the buzz of cool there!) and will be studying for a Post production Masters.

The following day Chris and I drove our baby girl (oh heck...I'm tearing up already!) to Leeds. We negotiated Leeds' wonderful traffic system and waited to pull into a ridiculously inadequate parking area. When we finally pulled in we were greeted by an unsmiling, fluorescent jacketed youth who told us we had 15 minutes to unpack the car and move it to a different car park down the road. It was raining. Chris and Heather went of to get her keys whilst I maniacally unpacked the car, putting all her worldly goods on the pavement in front of the car, my anger keeping my sadness at bay for a while.

When they came back with the key, Chris moved the car. Then I continued to stand in the rain with her stuff whilst Heather and Chris took as much as they could carry. They were gone an age...it turned out there were two lifts, 20 floors, and a squillion other freshers all arriving at the same time unpacking their brand new duvets and Ikea crockery. We eventually transferred everything from pavement to flat (actually a really nice, newly built space, happily, beautifully co-ordinated with her new duvet cover, and lamp etc!). Met her flat mates, made up the bed and generally unpacked. We then jumped in the car and queued endlessly to get to a bigger than Tesco local supermarket. Turns out it wasn't much bigger and had no car park! So Heather and I left Chris with the car and went tired and stressed to shop for essential food stuff. We queued yet again to get her back to her flat, before hugging her and leaving her to fend for herself. We waited briefly for the lift, but with no sign of it I set off to start walking down the twelve flights of stairs. Tears blurring my vision. Memories of that journey three years ago (really? only three years ago?) tears blurring my vision, sobs unexpectedly racking my body after I dropped Josh for the first time at university, alone as Chris was running the Great North Run. This time I choked back the sobs, and rubbed away the tears, steadfastly not looking at Chris.

The trip around the supermarket the following day was a challenge, planning what meals I would need without Josh or Heather there, thinking 'oh Heather isn't here so don't need that. That meal only works for me and H' etc. Again, familiar ground, I remember similar thoughts just after Josh went away, but of course we were only one man down then, and pretty used to Josh coming and going and not needed meals. Heather, whilst not a recluse, certainly spent more time at home, cooked meals for me when I came in from work and would appear at random times for hugs.

I don't want you to think I have spent the last two weeks moping and crying. Life carries on with just the occasional twinge of 'oh, Heather is away at uni' and the familiar lurch in the stomach. Children making their way in the world is what it's all about, but oh my goodness it can be as hard as it is rewarding seeing them grow and move forward. And of course the nest isn't empty yet, Lorna and Joe are still here (and Lorna is being really sweet filling Heathers shoes by cooking and shopping for me).

Chocs that Lorna bought me yesterday to cheer me up.

I am even more thankful too that I seem to have found wiwtbwigu! (what I want to be when I grow up). I am so enjoying the nanny job that I started at the end of February. It took me a wee while to get into the groove. Being out of my home two days a week took some getting used to after being at home and my own boss for so long. As did learning a new routine with the family. But despite my memory like Swiss cheese, I have found my stride.
I had a couple of weeks off in July whilst my boss had her second baby and since going back have been working a few hours on a Friday as well as my two usual days. I now go in later and stay later to help with bedtime. I often don't get home until 8.30 pm, tired but oh so happy. I feel really appreciated (last week I was gifted an afternoon at the spa by my boss as a thank you for the extra help I have given her!).

My pedicure

I get lots of baby cuddles and I don't have time to sit around moping and missing my own growing offspring! Not to mention getting paid too! It just feels right.
I think if I had continued working with children after we moved up North I would probably feel truly fed up by now. But having studied, grown and learned a lot about myself over the last almost 15 years. As well as trying out several other roles, that never quite fit right. Going back to nanny work just makes sense.

There have been a couple more changes this week. Firstly, I have decided not to renew my licence as a Natal Hypnotherapy practitioner. Shortly after doing my NH training I stopped teaching couples antenatal courses for the NCT. The NH courses are also mainly for couples and therefore I just didn't get going with the workshops. I kept up my licence for a year. But when the renewal came round, considerably more expensive than last year, it was a no brainer to stop.

Secondly, yesterday I took the difficult decision to stop teaching relax stretch and breathe. This wasn't so clear cut, I absolutely love teaching RSB and have had nothing but fabulous feedback from the women that I have taught. However, the group has always been small, mostly this suited me fine. The room that I taught in wasn't huge and I love the more personal nature of teaching to 4 or 5 women. The major downside though, is that with few women on the register it can be very uncertain how many will be able to attend each week. I needed 4 women to 'break even' and get paid in full, I was happy to teach 2 women (taking half pay and sometimes nothing at all). But the challenge was waiting with bated breath each week to find out how many women were hoping to come along, regularly having to cancel at the last minute. Pregnancy is a time of shift and change and most women work right up until their baby is due, meaning that women often can't make it to every session. With a larger group this wouldn't be an issue, however, with six women on the register I just never knew whether I was going to be able to teach or not. So for various reasons and with a heavy heart, this uncertainty finally got the better of me this week and I took the very difficult decision to stop doing it.
I have been completely overwhelmed with the reaction from people about this. So many people have said wonderful things about me and the RSB. It is still the right choice though.

Life is full of change, and to resist this only leads to problems and misery...but it's good to pause every now and again, look back, look forward, be nostalgic and optimistic before coming back to the here and now.

Catching up

I have just been (sleepily) re reading my last blog post.... from January, wow the year has flown by.
So my kitchen is all finished (except the decorating, but there is good reason for that). I love the space.

And I think I found wiwtbwigu! I registered with the nanny agency and started working at the end of February with a wonderful family. Just one little girl when I started, two days a week. I loved it from the start, though it did take me a wee while to figure out how to get everything done both whilst at work and at home! Now there is a new member of the family, a baby brother for the little girl, squiggly new born cuddles *sigh* I am in heaven! Going to work feels like such a blessing, a sanctuary from life over the summer with complicated adult offspring! It was great to have a break from nanny work, to stretch my wings and try out my brain. Great to learn new things and try on new hats.... but it turns out that what I always wanted to do is what I am best at after all. Working with families, looking after children and helping women in those early years, that just fits, it ticks all the boxes for me. I'm sure I may wobble, there are certainly challenges and difficult days. But I imagine this would be true of any job.

We have recently finished another revamp project, our bedroom (long overdue!). It happened by accident, with a trip to find storage for my yarn stash that resulted in ordering a bed frame, blanket chest, two bedside cabinets and a chest of drawers! We took inspiration from the furniture and the room took on a theme of New England beach house. Light blue wallpaper, sand coloured carpet, pale blue shaker style wardrobe doors, new ceiling light with fan (which has been perfect with the hottest summer for a long time and my hot flushes!). We have a new mattress on order, then all we need is curtains and bedding (though for the time being what we have are fine). I have added fairy lights and some sunset, seaside pictures. The room feels like a sanctuary, a haven of calm, cool peace.

Oh, and the kitchen is waiting to be decorated because we are (finally!) having the building work done, the garage converted (seems slightly mad adding rooms with two of the three offspring off to unit in a couple of weeks!). Watch this space!

At another crossroads

As another year roles in I find myself at another of life's crossroads. We began the New Year with a big kitchen clear out...literally everything had to go! Well, be temporarily relocated whilst we have a new kitchen fitted. The end of the process is now tantalisingly close and it mostly feels pretty good (though I will be happiest when the dust removal..from the entire house..is complete!)

All cleared out 

Whilst there have been strangers coming and going and routines disrupted I have been living a sort of limbo life. The first week I sat and caught up with some of my unfinished knitting projects (as well as starting a few new ones!), it felt good. This week so far, has been more of a mix, trying to live as normally as possible (with the kitchen packed up and relocated in the dining room!)

The kitchen in the dining room

There will be decorating to do once the contractors move out (Monday deadline), which will extend to finishing the hallway that didn't get done nearly two years ago, yikes! and the downstairs loo, and possibly the dining room....

But besides all this excitement and mess my journey to 'find out what I want to be when I grow up' (wiwtbwigu) continues. The story so far...I always wanted to work with children, from being very young. I did the NNEB, had two fabulous nannying jobs...and then found out I was pregnant. Being a mother was the best job in the world ever! And managing to combine mothering with working was awesome....child minding never felt like work!

But then we relocated and all my children were in school. So I began to look for something new. The journey to becoming a homeopath was an emotional one. I grew and learned so much...I learned that I didn't want to work alone, at home...and so my quest continued.

Then I found myself studying again...to become an antenatal teacher. Another emotional and stretching few years. More learning, more discovery about myself...I tried on the antenatal teacher hat for a year after qualifying and decided that it didn't quite fit right...sigh....feeling that I'm getting closer to 'wiwtbwigu' but not quite there. The relax stretch and breathe/yoga for pregnancy was the next leg of the journey. And this feels as if it fits very well. I began teaching a year ago and have loved every minute. I have had some great feedback from the women who I have had the pleasure to guide. But since September things have been frustrating to say the least. Despite having twelve women on the register at one point I have only managed to run two or three sessions, each with only two women (I'm not asking for much, with four women I get paid, and the room doesn't comfortably hold more than about ten! Between four and seven is perfect...).

There are always going to be challenges for pregnant women getting to classes, especially as so many work right up to the end of pregnancy. But for some reason those challenges have been magnified in the last few months for the women booked onto my classes. As well as work commitments there have also been too many early births and ill health. I shall keep on trying though, the small group of women that came to me last year are all firm friends and meet up with each other every week...they still speak fondly of the classes (and the cakes!) so I know just how valuable they can be.

However, even if RSB becomes an overnight success, it's still only one night a week (with preparation time during the day too), so I have been pondering what else I could do. After my light bulb moment last year, I swore not to do any more training courses until I was earning more than I was spending...so what could i do with the skills I have?

At the end of last year I started thinking how much I would love to go back into child care...but I wasn't keen on nursery/preschool/school/child minding for a number of reasons. I did some searching and realised that I could go back full circle and be a nanny again. I didn't do anything about it though and the season moved on. Then last week a friend posted a link on facebook to a nanny agency...I am now actively seeking to register with the agency. I'm excited and trepidatious in equal measure at the idea of starting something new, but it feels 'just right'. I only want to work two or three days a week (it's been too many years since I was in full time employment to jump right back in, I would like to ease myself in gently and see how it goes!)

So, watch this space and see whether I'm any closer to finding 'wiwtbwigu'!

Voicing my thoughts

I am an infrequent blogger these days, however I am still a dedicated follower of several bloggers whom I admire greatly, I find their words so enriching, often putting into words the chaos from my own head so much more eloquently than I could. Or sharing thoughts, lifestyles and ideas so new and different to my own. Every now and then I get the time and the irresistible urge to put fingers to keyboard. Today is such a day!

Until I had children, my views on health were pretty bog standard. I would go so far as to say that I was a sheep, blindly following the rest of the herd, believing that it was best to leave these things to the professionals, the medics who know what they are doing. Never questioning, challenging nor taking responsibility for my own health and well being. Yet perhaps the seeds were already there for diversion from the path that the average person takes when it comes to health.

I had quite a strong urge to keep things as natural as possible, I occasionally took pain killers and indigestion medication and even more rarely took antibiotics. I also sometimes found other peoples approaches to managing their ill health a little baffling, was it really necessary to take strong pain killers, flu powders, cough mixture, decongestants, medicated throat lozenges and Night Nurse when really all you had was a heavy cold?  I didn't think so. The adverts would have us believe there is a magic medicine for most things and that we should take this or that and carry on with our lives. There seems to be an eternal quest for 'the magic bullet'; that we humans can conquer all ills and live long, healthy lives free from disease and disability. Striving to keep the elderly and 'born too early' babies alive at all costs. Replacing, repairing, transplanting....playing god. And far too much of this is lead by greed, the big pharmaceutical companies wield power that would make a bevy of Roman, Greek and Norse gods green with envy. Much of this makes me, at best deeply uncomfortable, at worse very angry indeed.

Throughout my first pregnancy the urge to 'keep things natural' and avoid medication wherever possible became more pronounced; in the early stages of labour I rang the midwife at midnight for pain relief advice and was unable to take her suggestion as there was no paracetamol in the flat. I had grown another human being with only the help of the occasional antacid. (I did, however, hand myself over to the medics for the labour and birth, but that's a story for another blog post!)

The shift really began when my eldest daughter was three. From just over a year old she had had eczema. I had sought help and advice from the GP and had been using the emollients, steroid creams and bath unguents that they prescribed. These appeared to ease the angry, red, itchy rash somewhat. But it never completely went away and any time we missed using them the rash became worse. It was also spreading and covering more and more of her beautiful, delicate, pale skin. The skin in the worst affected areas was also visibly thinner and more fragile the longer we used the creams. I don't recall all these years later exactly what made me look for something else, but I do know that my inner mama lioness was fierce, I wanted to protect my precious child and make things better for her. Something had to change. We went along to see a homeopath....and slowly but surely my views on health began to shift, grow and evolve.

I'm no longer a sheep.....I question, inquire, challenge and take responsibility for my health and whenever I can, the health and well being of my family. I no longer take medics or medicine at face value. They often get it horribly, horribly wrong, knowingly or not. Now, I can see many of you folding your arms and getting disgruntled and offended. Let me just make it perfectly clear that just because I choose to do things a different way to you does not mean that I am saying what you do is wrong. I do, however, firmly believe that the world would be a much better place if everyone looked a little more carefully at how they treat their own and their children's health. If decisions are made with thought and care and a true inquiry and understanding of those choices then no-one can do more. However, I'm pretty sure that the majority of the routes taken do not involve this level of questioning, inquiry or understanding. I believe this because that is the way I used to behave.

There are a lot of sheep blindly following other sheep and revering the medics. This, I believe, is a sad state of affairs. It can be difficult not to appear evangelic/crazy/obsessed/a freak when one does anything that is different to the norm. It can be exhausting continually swimming against the tide, a lone voice in the wilderness. I spend a lot of time being personally attacked for my beliefs and choices, and there have often been times when I have wished that I could unlearn what I have learned and just do what everyone else does. Sadly, I find that this is not an option, once I have discovered the lies and atrocities committed by the big pharmaceutical companies, begun to take back responsibility for my own health, truly understood the implications that following blindly can have, I can no longer go back to my old ways.

I'm also plagued by the knowledge of just how much more I could do. I am continually striving to strike the balance and change my lifestyle sufficiently to become truly healthy. I'm often challenging long, deeply held beliefs, habits and ways of being, many of which are so entrenched I'm hardly even aware of them.

So why write this? what do I hope it will achieve? Well blogging, generally for me is a way of taking some of the incessant voices out of my head and giving me quiet relief. I suppose I could achieve this in a less public domain by simply keeping a diary or journal. However, you may recall at the beginning of this post I confessed to devotedly following and admiring several regular bloggers. If they had kept their thoughts for a private diary or journal I wouldn't be able to enjoy and share them (unless they became published after their deaths Anne Frank style!) and for that my life would be a poorer. We have at our disposal this vast social forum, the internet, so why not use it and embrace it? If just one person enjoyed reading something that I have written, in the way that I feel enriched by reading other's words, I would be chuffed. If just one person questioned how they approach health, confirming for them that what they do is right for them or changing something that isn't right then I would be chuffed, a starfish returned to the ocean.

From time to time I wonder what messages my family, particularly my children, have taken on board about health. I recently had a fascinating chat with my twenty year old son that gave me a wonderful incite into some of his thoughts and beliefs around the subject. I have to say it warmed the cockles of my heart! And not because he was blindly following me and my beliefs. He wasn't, he had clearly thought and researched for himself. He appears to also be carrying the torch of enlightenment too, dropping gems of wisdom here and there on the fertile ground of his friends minds. Stating what I believes, questioning their actions and the actions of the medics. (I would be equally as pleased if he had researched and questioned and come up with differing views to me, which he often has done in many areas all throughout his life!) It does feel good though to feel that he is there with me, standing shoulder to shoulder, making our way through the sheep and the big pharma and challenging here and there, hopefully making a difference. There are many routes to good health, but so often the busy, well known ones are the only ones that people use. If, just once in a while we all choose a less well trodden route or even forge our own, I think the world could be a happier, healthier place.

So what do I do differently than I used to? The GP or medication is no longer my first port of call if I feel unwell. I consider what's going on in  my life, what am I doing or putting into my body that may be causing the symptoms? For additional support I turn to essential oils, homeopathy, supplements. I have deep concerns about vaccinations. I consider very carefully what I put onto my skin, avoiding petrochemicals etc. whenever I can. I respect the mind/body/spirit connection and take a holistic view of health, not compartmentalising as conventional medicine so often does. I take responsibility for myself and my health.
None of these things are that inflammatory or controversial, and yet to listen to some people speak you would think they were. I have, over the years been accused of neglecting and damaging my children, being crazy/kooky/irresponsible and just plain wrong. The areas in which I hold strong views often engender strong emotions in people...when this is the case I would suggest that there is a reason for this and simply ask to be treated with respect. Please don't think ill of me, or call me stupid. I have thought long and hard and researched widely before making most of my decisions, my hope is that you do the same and for a healthier world.

I think I have wandered from the path that I set out on when I began writing this post as I often do, I'm sure there were many thoughts and ideas that I was going to share that are lost in the ether. But that's the way my creative mind rolls, so be it!

I will end this by wishing you all good health, thanks for listening!