October stream of conciousness

October....how?
Things I'm loving. Chill, misty mornings that gradually warm with golden, soft sunlight. The leaves changing colour and beginning to fall. Collecting conkers. That autumn smell....fire smoke, earth, leaves. The excitement of Halloween around the corner. Soup.

I'm so frustrated with lots of things....every time I try to register or update anything connected to my Microsoft account it resolutely refuses to send me a code. I have been waiting to restore my Windows phone to it's factory settings (in the hope that this will get it working properly again. An upgrade isn't a realistic option right now as there is nothing on the market that comes close to what I would like.) today I bit the bullet....only to discover that, yet again, no code therefore I can't restore all my apps and stuff. Which led to the further disappointing discovery that Here drive is no longer available...and there doesn't seem to be anything that comes close. I loved Nokia drive which then became Here drive, the free sat nav that was built into Windows phones. I am very disillusioned with Windows phones in general since Microsoft took over from Nokia. But I am equally unimpressed by the alternatives on the market. I am waiting on Microsoft to get back to me with a code...I'll see how I go from there.

I have almost caught up with printing photos and putting them into albums....that does feel good! I have mentioned before that I like to mix the old with the new, I take pictures...lots of pictures (though a lot less whilst my Lumia 1020 has been out of action!) I Instagram, post them on facebook, store them on my hard-drive and save them to disc and then, a selection, I also print and put into albums. I love the quality of digital prints online and on the screen but there is nothing can replace physically flicking forwards and backwards through an album of prints.

Last weekend I went to visit my baby girl in Leeds, we shopped, we drank cocktails and we went to see Fall Out Boy. We walked and walked and chatted and chatted. I miss her terribly, but it is as it should be, she is living her life, learning and growing....it only seems a moment since she was born, since we were walking home together after dropping her siblings at school, chattering about this and that. Hugging....we still hug, she is a hug monster, and long may that continue.

I see my big girl regularly too. We have watched Great British Bake Off together and usually spend most of the day together having lunch, shopping etc.

Last Sunday, Chris and I walked at Richmond and ate yummies at the Station. Then we went to see Starsailor. It was very chummy, cheek by jowl with lots of people we don't know (why do the people who drink the most alcohol insist on standing near the front and therefore need to walk all the way back for the loo/ bar? And do I have a sign on my head that says walk way just here? Because it doesn't seem to matter where I stand, that always becomes the most direct route that everyone else needs to take! But oh my goodness it was a fantastic gig! So close to the band I could clearly see them (well, when I craned my neck round the tall people who always stand right in front of me, is that just me too?!) And so worth the late night (even though I could have cried with tiredness when bathing and putting the little cherubs to bed before driving home in the dark!)

I am so thankful for my job. To get out of the house. To spend time with two wonderful children, To watch them grow and learn. Being a mum is the best job/role ever, being a nanny and getting paid to be a sort of surrogate mummy/granny is the next best thing! Turning up each morning and wondering what the day will hold. Snuggling a chunky one year old whilst he settles for his nap. Taking him to a singing group, with lots of other gorgeous wee ones, singing, dancing. Seeing the wonder on his face when he catches bubbles. It's almost possible to see his brain growing and expanding as he learns new things every moment of every day. He's beginning to chatter now....he said my name for the first time this week. Kim has proved quite tricky for most of my little charges to say, I was Tim for a long time! At the moment the way he says it is more like one of those African dialects where they sort of 'Gnim', but it is most definitely Kim! Rising to the challenges of a tired 4 year old when she comes out of school. Sharing (unwillingly) their germs!

Continuing to work at being healthy and fit...not always easy to be sensible and look after myself when I don't get home from work until 8 pm...my temptation is to waste time on social media and stay up too late when really I need to find balance by exercising, doing yoga, meditating, eating well and sleeping earlier than I usually manage....but I'm doing ok. I'm still manahing some bouncing and yoga is my saviour...sore lower back, resolved with a yoga session, head all over the place resolved by a yoga session, aching neck and shoulders...you guessed it yoga is the answer! I'm still eating (fairly) sensibly and keeping the weight off. Balance....yes that's what it's all about....

The house is (slowly) getting there....it's almost a year since the building work began! (shudder! whilst the end result is most definitely worth it, the process was extremely challenging!) But when I reflect on all that we have done in the last few years it's quite impressive! First we had the driveway extended, then we redecorated the hall, stairs and landing, next the new kitchen, then we redecorated our bedroom, then the building work...the new room is now completely decorated and furnished, it is such a lovely room, calm and quiet (I have been doing my yoga in there). The guest room (Lorna's old room) is redecorated and over the summer Heather and I redecorated her room ( better mention Chris wallpapered and laid laminate flooring!) I won't list all the things that remain to be done!

Window coverings for the porch and new room

Happy autumn! 🎃🌞🍁

Shifting, changing, nostalgia and love

Yesterday was the first day of autumn...this scares me more than a little...the year seems to be flying by.

A change in season often makes me stop and think and reflect. This particular seasonal shift seems to reflect a life season change for me. Life looks quite different for me these days, no longer the mamma to baby birds who need my full attention. Our home is suddenly quiet and tidy as H has returned to university, J has moved out after his brief stay back home and L is busy across town in her own cosy home.

There are many things that I am enjoying and looking forward to at this time of change. However there are also many things that I miss, look back longingly on and moments that take my breath away with the sheer raw sadness and longing for what has passed and will never be again. I really am working on embracing this phase of life, accepting the role as crone/wise woman...but Oh my! it really only seems such a short moment since I was embracing and accepting the role of mother...how can 24+ years have gone by so quickly?

I am so grateful to have returned to working with little ones to satisfy my passionate need to be around wee ones, nurturing, coaxing, teaching and learning from. Snuggling, tickling, loving whilst stretching every last ounce of patience. Occasionally feeling old and tired but mostly feeling inspired and rejuvenated, almost as if being around these amazing little ones can turn back the clock for me and make me young again.

It has been quite a year, physically there is a lot less of me than there has been for many years. Ending 2014 with a couple of nasty bugs meant that I lost quite a bit of weight. I was then inspired to try juicing and have become a devoted fan of Jason Vale, The Juice Master! (Four books, one wall planner, one dvd, one cd, one rebounder and one rebounding dvd and a visit to his retreat booked!)

I started off in January with the Juice Yourself Slim 7 day programme. This was a lovely gentle introduction for me as it combines juices and smoothies with soups and salads. He encourages you to read the entire book from start to finish before beginning the program. As I began to read I thought, I know this stuff, what can he possibly say that I don't know? And indeed I did know a lot of it...but some of it I didn't know and some of it just hadn't really hit home before. I have known for a long time that I needed to lose weight, move more, eat healthier. But I also knew that fad diets were not the answer. I needed to change my life. Starting Juice Yourself Slim was the beginning of that life change. I never felt like I was on a diet, never felt deprived or particularly hungry. What I did feel was inspired, vibrant and full of energy. I was also beginning to like my body for the first time, ever! I could look in the mirror and like what I saw, had to buy new clothes and retrieve old favourites from the dark recesses of my wardrobe. Lesson number one was to get out of diet mentality. To stop obsessing about the foods that I couldn't have and focus on all the wonderful foods I could have. And if I wanted/craved chocolate/cake/bread whatever to eat it! The world wouldn't fall apart, the 'diet' wouldn't be ruined! I know that for me (as it is for many other people) cravings and often feeling hungry are actually nothing to do with food, but everything to do with emotions. This I have known for a long time, but I am learning to address it.

After the 7 days I continued to replace at least one meal a day (usually breakfast) with a juice or smoothie. I have learned to appreciate that smoothies and juices are not just a drink, they are whole, life affirming, scrumptious meals. On the few days when I have not started my day with freshly extracted juice I feel hungry, grumpy and out of sorts. I have also begun eating food that is much less processed (even cooking is a form of processing! so sticking to raw or lightly cooked foods, as close to their natural state as possible). I am no saint, and I am very easily lead by the people that I love and slip back to eating sandwiches, pizza and puds...but I will have a big salad and just a couple of slices of pizza, I will have a small piece of cake and a side of fruit instead of ice cream.

As the season changed to summer, and I had slipped back into some of my old habits I felt in need of a reminder of how to live well. I took up the next 7 day 'challenge' and followed the 7 lbs in 7 days program. Again I read the book from beginning to end before starting the program. Again I felt I already knew it all. Again I was proven right and wrong! The main lesson I learned with this program was the the joy of moving. I had certainly been more active this year, getting up early at the weekend to go swimming, the occasional bike ride and walk, but with this detox I wanted more. I invested in a rebounder, a mini trampoline so that I could do something every day, half an hour in the morning and half an hour in the evening. I experienced the amazing paradox that if I was tired, weary, or grumpy, jumping on the trampoline for half an hour restored me and gave me more energy than I knew what to do with! Getting into the habit of doing some form of physical activity, every single day has been a wonderful, unexpected joy!

As the year rolls on and I am still loving my body, I am still learning and working on my life. Living day by day and working on not getting sucked back into too many old habits. I know that I can follow a juice detox every now and then to reset myself. Put myself back on track. If you had told me less than a year ago that I would own and enjoy wearing sports clothing (all Lycra, neon colours and figure hugging!) I would have laughed and rolled my eyes. If you had told me that I would set the alarm to get up early enough to work out for half an hour before starting my day I would have said "yeah, right!" If you had told me that I would be wearing size 12 skinny jeans and looking in the mirror loving the reflection I would have called for the men in white coats to come and get you! But all these things are true...I don't think I can remember the last time I fit into a size 12 anything! And even when I did, I certainly didn't appreciate my body (in my head I was always fat, when I made an album for my beloved to commemorate 25 years together I fished out old photos...I was truly shocked to look at the skinny young woman in those photos as she did not have the body that I remembered inhabiting at the time).

So cheers to loving my body, and to embracing this empty nest. Cheers to being a working woman, I think I have (finally) found what I want to be when I grow up...and it turns out that that means coming full circle and doing what I always loved the most! The journey here has been a blast and I have no regrets. I'm sure that if I had continued to work with children I would have begun to hate it. Coming back to it now just feels right.

Cheers also to almost having the house sorted. This time last year we were on the cusp of starting some major renovations, (my sanity and the bank balance were pushed to their very limits!) with a few detours (revamping H's bedroom and turning L's old room into a guest room weren't originally in the plan!) The 'new' room, which had no identity for ages has become a wonderful oasis of calm. Light, bright and peaceful with a wall full of books and a couple of chairs it is a great space just to be! I am looking forward to practising my yoga in there now that there are blinds at the windows.

The laundry room is a joy, yes it would have been even more joyful to have had such a space when the family were younger but hey ho! The same goes for the kitchen, I finally have the space that I have always dreamed of. A living kitchen, the beating heart of my now quiet home! But at least over the summer it got used to it's full potential with L, H and myself cooking up lovely meals and treats together in an elaborate dance! And I am looking forward to visitors who will sit on the comfy chairs by the carefully chosen table chatting to me whilst I potter around preparing dinner!

I may even finish decorating it...if I can settle on a colour!

Down down

I'm in a funk, I'm feeling blue....I  have absolutely no good reason to be but there it is, that is the way of mental health.

Lost, disconnected, lonely, drifting in a sea of grey humdrum.

I'm unsure whether this post will make the cut, whether I will hit publish or not...if I do and I appear to be wallowing I apologise in advance...but let's see if any good comes of putting some of these thoughts 'down on paper'.

This time last year I was a month into busyness. A birth retreat with amazing sisters, recharging on holiday with my beloved one, learning the skill of teaching relax stretch and breathe (gosh is that only a year ago, feels like that skill has been around much longer), then in the new year beginning teaching RSB and studying to take this further with yoga for pregnancy, training to become a Natal hypnotherapy practitioner and a wonderful holiday across the pond. It was crazy for a while...and despite missing some of the slow, carefree autumn and winter pace and kitchen witchery, I soaked it all up. At the end of June things slowed, almost stopped. I stopped teaching RSB as the wonderful group of women that I had been teaching all had their babies, I stopped teaching antenatal courses as I realised I was finding them a struggle, I had completed all the work for YfP and received my certificate from Worcester uni. I wrote the assignments for Natal hypnotherapy, but put off the assessment until the autumn. And for a while it was great to kick back and relax. All the children (it feels odd calling them children, now that they are not...but what else could I call them?) were home and the sun shone for weeks on end (no it really did!).

But then September rolled around and the funk began to descend. Despite receiving enquiries for relax stretch and breathe not enough are making a booking so I'm struggling to get it back off the ground. And on the whole I'm left feeling as if I'm back to square one. I have been studying since 2001 with a view to finding out 'what I want to be when I grow up' i.e. finding gainful employment. As much as I have loved almost every second of my studies and have grown and changed and learned so much I'm a completely different person...but I don't feel any closer to having it sorted. I don't have regular, paid work and I don't feel as if I have found myself...meh! that all sounds pretentious and self obsessed.

So how do I move forward? How do I find a job that I can enjoy, working during the day on week days, probably part time and earning more than it costs...

Ch ch ch changes...

I am catching up reading the blogs that I follow. Life is pretty full these days with three days a week at work, continuing renovations to the house and the new and improved me that likes to swim, cycle and walk this ole body into it's new and changing shape and fitness.

So, back to the blog posts, I've just read two with a similar theme about our children growing up and holding onto the shifting sand of their 'littleness'....it seems that almost without me noticing, my three have changed and grown beyond recognition. Yet they are the same as ever really, all that has changed is external to them. I'm waffling, sorry, I'm trying to put into words stuff that defies words. It's a feeling, a heartbeat, memories, dreams and anticipation.

Our eldest, always the pioneer for firsts is once again stepping into her covered wagon to negotiate new territory. For a brief while she took a back seat, her two younger siblings flying the nest before her to go off the university whilst she stayed in the safety and comfort of home for her university journey. But now she is taking up the reins again... she and her fiancé are buying their first home together and will soon leave the family home....

It all feels surreal, exciting and scary in equal measure... each new phase has been like this for me, for her, for us together...I guess I should really just go with the ride and stop trying to picture what the future will look like, feel like, be like... but it is hard to resist trying to peak around the corner to see what may be there, put my toes in the water and see if I like it...

It is also hard not to hanker back to the past, to remember and revel in the long past days when she was a tiny wee thing, never more than a heartbeat away from me, dependant, snuggly and utterly adorable. But we can never go back (and truly who really wants to?). Time moves on, and we embrace the new, standing back and watching in awe as our children master each new skill, each new life phase.

I love that my three camera shy children agreed to having their picture taken the other weekend. I love you to the moon and back guys. You will always be my babies, but I am so proud of you all. Thank you for choosing me to be your mum, you have made me the person I am.... you have made me complete. I will always be here for you.