Live, love, laugh and be happy!!!

I have had a 'light bulb' moment today! For most of my life I have believed that I am fat. I have loathed looking at my reflection, covered up, not believed it when people pay me compliments and hated photographs of myself. When it was our 25th anniversary I made a scrap book of photos, tickets etc to act as a memoir of our life together so far. There was one particular photo of me when I was 21. We were on holiday on a boat on the Norfolk broads, I was recovering from chickenpox and wearing a skimpy bikini....the girl in that photo was definitely NOT fat!! It saddened me to think of all the time the I had spent hating myself, what a waste of energy.

It is undeniable looking back at other photos before and since that my weight has been an issue. I think at the moment I am about the heaviest I have ever been and that must have an impact on my health in the long run. The thing I realised today is that hating myself doesn't help at all! It's obvious really! The thing that clinched it though was looking at some photos from last week, a meal with my family, blowing out candles on my birthday and a sunny day with my girls, nephew and parents...yes I am still over weight but I'm happy. And I am SO lucky, I live a great life! I have a wonderful husband whom I love a great deal (and who loves me too, always has, regardless of my size!), three fabulous children, a lovely family (even if we don't get together as often as I would like), amazing friends, a solid, cozy house, few worries, my health.

So from now on I promise not to duck the next time a camera is pointed my way, or cringe when I catch a glimpse of myself reflected. I am going to live, laugh and love...wobbly bits and all!

Rain won't stop play!

Today it is raining...but that's OK, it is good for the garden and won't be spoiling any of my plans. J and H are back at college and school (it was half term last week) so today I have returned to essay writing. I am currently working on The Special Situations module with an essay exploring the grief process. I have been curious to discover this to be an enjoyable piece of work; one might assume that the subject matter could be a gloomy challenge! This is my first level two piece of work and I feel as though I am really getting to grips with writing to diploma level. The references have easily made themselves known to me and my style, though still organic by nature, is becoming more structured and logical. Hopefully these feelings will be backed up when it goes for marking...serious self assessment may be needed!

We currently have a challenge...choosing new furniture! How could that be challenging I hear you ask? Well for a start there is so much choice; there is more than one item that we are considering buying and without a Chrystal ball we can't see into the future to see whether or not we have made a good decision! One of the main choices that we seem to have is whether to invest in a mid price range sofa or a more expensive one. If we go for the mid range we are likely to be replacing it in 5-10 years (our current suite has lasted 10 years and essentially only needs recovering). If we go for the more expensive one it will cost about twice as much and we need to be sure that we have chosen well, as realistically we will live with it for 10-20 years! The thing is, the more expensive one is the only one that offers us a style and choice of fabric that satisfys our joint tastes and fits in with our (not so long ago redecorated) sitting room. But with the knowledge that we will be moving in a few years we don't want to tie ourselves too rigidly to a particular colour pallet... http://www.duresta.com/

Life is on the cusp of changing radically in the next couple of years with L and then J spreading their wings and moving out. In the meantime they need a little reminding about cleanliness and tidyness which I do find challenging!

Spring walking

Enjoyed a lovely walk today. After being housebound yesterday (don't ask!!)

There is nothing like walking in the English countryside, surrounded by nthe sounds of birdsong and the wind whispering through the trees, the scents of wild garlic, May blossom and fresh rain on asphalt. Being in nature is very medative and restorative.

We also discovered The Station in Richmond http://www.richmondstation.com/ and enjoyed a drink and naughty cake in the cafe there. The main meals looked so good we will be returning!

The Big Weekend!

I had a busy weekend down in Telford. On Friday I went to a study day with Ina May Gaskin. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ina_May_Gaskin before I started this course I had never heard of this amazing woman!

The weekend was exhausting and invigorating, being with so many fiesty women always gives me a buzz!

There were some great speakers Rob Parsons who had me in tears of sadness and joy; http://authorpages.hoddersystems.com/RobParsons/author.htm, Kate Evans author of The Food of Love; your formula for success. http://www.thefoodoflove.org/, James Mcquillan who appeared in the 2009 Apprentice and the finale with Davina McCall getting uber excited about birth and Ina May Gaskin were superb.

Meeting up with so many of the fabulous women that I have met over the last couple of years was a highlight...being woken after only 5 hours sleep by a fire alarm and after 6 hours by noisy nieghbours were lowlights!

Driving down felt a little lonely, the last time I did a road trip I had a chatter buddy!  Coming back however, I cranked up the iPod and put my foot down, I really enjoyed the trip (until I got to the 50 zone where they are widening the A1!).

I was in the bad books though for going away and leaving 'my baby' on her 14th birthday!! She seemed to enjoy having friends over, her big sister made her a cake and I was home in time for a birthday tea and present opening though!

Reflective day.

I have spent the day so far being very quiet and reflective. Letting iTunes choose the sounds and reading some old posts from friends on their blogs....it has inspired me to put my thoughts onto the screen.

I do wonder why we blog...it's sort of like a diary or journal but is potentially very public. I wonder who reads what I write, if anyone...I often censor what I put so as not to offend anyone who stumbles upon my ramblings! Then I read the blogs that my friends have written, each one as unique as the people who write them, yet each as inspiring and interesting as you could possibly imagine. I hear their voices as if they were telling me their stories face to face whilst sharing a drink and piece of cake and also glimpse aspects of their lives and personalities that I didn't know before.

Over my 40+ years on planet earth I have wasted a lot of time wanting to be someone else...anyone else! Other peoples lives have always fascinated me...however I am beginning to realise more and more that I have a good life. I have so many people in my life that I love and who love me. I am married to my teenage sweetheart and we are as much in love now as we were all those years ago, we are looking to the future and dreaming about what it may hold for us. I have three children, my babies...they will always be my babies...who are growing into the most amazing young adults. I have so much love for them...yes they have each presented me with challenges and I am sure they will continue to do so! They have also provided me with the greatest rewards...being a mother is my life's best work...

Then there are all the amazing, creative, loving and nurturing women that I have met, too many to mention but all have made their unique impressions upon my heart.

I am enjoying discovering who I am...from being a small girl I knew that children were my future. I worked hard to become a nursery nurse and loved my babysitting, nannying and childminding. I adored being a mummy...and will always treasure this as my dream job!

Then, in 2001, I began a new adventure, training to become a homeopath. I met more fabulous people (you only have to look at my friend list on facebook to get an idea of how many!) and began to trust and believe in myself more and more.

2007 saw me stepping further down the road of self discovery, with the beginning of my antenatal teacher training, I can't believe that I am 2 and a half years along...I have met more gorgeous women. I love the challenge of studying, I don't think I will ever stop! I wonder if I will ever say "yes, this is it, I have arrived where I am meant to be, found out who I am"? I doubt it...

Well my fingers and toes have grown cold from sitting at the computer for so long (how can it be this cold in May??) I feel that I have indulged for long enough there are things to do in the 'real' world so I will sign off for now, thank you for listening!

Big hugs and kisses to all the lovely people who I have met on the road, thank you for inspiring me loving me keeping me sane and even giving me a metaphorical slap when I needed it! Have a cake on me!

Hmmm....well I have that Monday morning feeling, but it's Tuesday afternoon! What's that all about??
I should be feeling good as I have just completed the the final piece of work for level one of the training, and I am excited to be going to see Ina May Gaskin on Thursday. And yet I still feel lethargic and demotivated about everything. I will just ride it out though and see what happens. 

We had a lovely un-birthday tea for our eldest daughter on Sunday, children's party food, Disney princess cake and some very silly singing on Singstar!

There was a beautiful sunset too to round the day off.

  

Celebrations!

The love of my life and I celebrated a couple of anniversaries this month...on the 11th it was 27 years since we first met and on the 22nd we had been married for 19 years. Each year gets better and better and our love is stronger than it ever was. To celebrate we had a night away at the Black Swan in Helmsley, our third consecutive visit.


http://www.blackswan-helmsley.co.uk/


The rooms are lovely and the food is amazing, the perfect sized portions so that we both manage appetisers, starters, mains AND desserts, coffee and chocolates without regretting any of it!!

The weather could have been kinder to us but we enjoyed a lovely lunch at Castle Howard and we discovered a smashing museum in Hutton le Hole, The Ryedale Folk museum.


http://www.ryedale.co.uk/ryedale/villages/huttonlehole/huttonlehole.html

And finally, on the way home we had a short walk up to Cook monument.