Some ramblings....

Wow, well there's been a few changes around here in the last couple of weeks.

Two weekends ago we drove to Salford to drop Josh off to begin the next exciting chapter in his life. He is living in a concrete nightmare....sorry HE thinks it's a really cool pod style studio flat! He's really close to Media city (even I could feel the buzz of cool there!) and will be studying for a Post production Masters.

The following day Chris and I drove our baby girl (oh heck...I'm tearing up already!) to Leeds. We negotiated Leeds' wonderful traffic system and waited to pull into a ridiculously inadequate parking area. When we finally pulled in we were greeted by an unsmiling, fluorescent jacketed youth who told us we had 15 minutes to unpack the car and move it to a different car park down the road. It was raining. Chris and Heather went of to get her keys whilst I maniacally unpacked the car, putting all her worldly goods on the pavement in front of the car, my anger keeping my sadness at bay for a while.

When they came back with the key, Chris moved the car. Then I continued to stand in the rain with her stuff whilst Heather and Chris took as much as they could carry. They were gone an age...it turned out there were two lifts, 20 floors, and a squillion other freshers all arriving at the same time unpacking their brand new duvets and Ikea crockery. We eventually transferred everything from pavement to flat (actually a really nice, newly built space, happily, beautifully co-ordinated with her new duvet cover, and lamp etc!). Met her flat mates, made up the bed and generally unpacked. We then jumped in the car and queued endlessly to get to a bigger than Tesco local supermarket. Turns out it wasn't much bigger and had no car park! So Heather and I left Chris with the car and went tired and stressed to shop for essential food stuff. We queued yet again to get her back to her flat, before hugging her and leaving her to fend for herself. We waited briefly for the lift, but with no sign of it I set off to start walking down the twelve flights of stairs. Tears blurring my vision. Memories of that journey three years ago (really? only three years ago?) tears blurring my vision, sobs unexpectedly racking my body after I dropped Josh for the first time at university, alone as Chris was running the Great North Run. This time I choked back the sobs, and rubbed away the tears, steadfastly not looking at Chris.

The trip around the supermarket the following day was a challenge, planning what meals I would need without Josh or Heather there, thinking 'oh Heather isn't here so don't need that. That meal only works for me and H' etc. Again, familiar ground, I remember similar thoughts just after Josh went away, but of course we were only one man down then, and pretty used to Josh coming and going and not needed meals. Heather, whilst not a recluse, certainly spent more time at home, cooked meals for me when I came in from work and would appear at random times for hugs.

I don't want you to think I have spent the last two weeks moping and crying. Life carries on with just the occasional twinge of 'oh, Heather is away at uni' and the familiar lurch in the stomach. Children making their way in the world is what it's all about, but oh my goodness it can be as hard as it is rewarding seeing them grow and move forward. And of course the nest isn't empty yet, Lorna and Joe are still here (and Lorna is being really sweet filling Heathers shoes by cooking and shopping for me).

Chocs that Lorna bought me yesterday to cheer me up.

I am even more thankful too that I seem to have found wiwtbwigu! (what I want to be when I grow up). I am so enjoying the nanny job that I started at the end of February. It took me a wee while to get into the groove. Being out of my home two days a week took some getting used to after being at home and my own boss for so long. As did learning a new routine with the family. But despite my memory like Swiss cheese, I have found my stride.
I had a couple of weeks off in July whilst my boss had her second baby and since going back have been working a few hours on a Friday as well as my two usual days. I now go in later and stay later to help with bedtime. I often don't get home until 8.30 pm, tired but oh so happy. I feel really appreciated (last week I was gifted an afternoon at the spa by my boss as a thank you for the extra help I have given her!).

My pedicure

I get lots of baby cuddles and I don't have time to sit around moping and missing my own growing offspring! Not to mention getting paid too! It just feels right.
I think if I had continued working with children after we moved up North I would probably feel truly fed up by now. But having studied, grown and learned a lot about myself over the last almost 15 years. As well as trying out several other roles, that never quite fit right. Going back to nanny work just makes sense.

There have been a couple more changes this week. Firstly, I have decided not to renew my licence as a Natal Hypnotherapy practitioner. Shortly after doing my NH training I stopped teaching couples antenatal courses for the NCT. The NH courses are also mainly for couples and therefore I just didn't get going with the workshops. I kept up my licence for a year. But when the renewal came round, considerably more expensive than last year, it was a no brainer to stop.

Secondly, yesterday I took the difficult decision to stop teaching relax stretch and breathe. This wasn't so clear cut, I absolutely love teaching RSB and have had nothing but fabulous feedback from the women that I have taught. However, the group has always been small, mostly this suited me fine. The room that I taught in wasn't huge and I love the more personal nature of teaching to 4 or 5 women. The major downside though, is that with few women on the register it can be very uncertain how many will be able to attend each week. I needed 4 women to 'break even' and get paid in full, I was happy to teach 2 women (taking half pay and sometimes nothing at all). But the challenge was waiting with bated breath each week to find out how many women were hoping to come along, regularly having to cancel at the last minute. Pregnancy is a time of shift and change and most women work right up until their baby is due, meaning that women often can't make it to every session. With a larger group this wouldn't be an issue, however, with six women on the register I just never knew whether I was going to be able to teach or not. So for various reasons and with a heavy heart, this uncertainty finally got the better of me this week and I took the very difficult decision to stop doing it.
I have been completely overwhelmed with the reaction from people about this. So many people have said wonderful things about me and the RSB. It is still the right choice though.

Life is full of change, and to resist this only leads to problems and misery...but it's good to pause every now and again, look back, look forward, be nostalgic and optimistic before coming back to the here and now.

Catching up

I have just been (sleepily) re reading my last blog post.... from January, wow the year has flown by.
So my kitchen is all finished (except the decorating, but there is good reason for that). I love the space.

And I think I found wiwtbwigu! I registered with the nanny agency and started working at the end of February with a wonderful family. Just one little girl when I started, two days a week. I loved it from the start, though it did take me a wee while to figure out how to get everything done both whilst at work and at home! Now there is a new member of the family, a baby brother for the little girl, squiggly new born cuddles *sigh* I am in heaven! Going to work feels like such a blessing, a sanctuary from life over the summer with complicated adult offspring! It was great to have a break from nanny work, to stretch my wings and try out my brain. Great to learn new things and try on new hats.... but it turns out that what I always wanted to do is what I am best at after all. Working with families, looking after children and helping women in those early years, that just fits, it ticks all the boxes for me. I'm sure I may wobble, there are certainly challenges and difficult days. But I imagine this would be true of any job.

We have recently finished another revamp project, our bedroom (long overdue!). It happened by accident, with a trip to find storage for my yarn stash that resulted in ordering a bed frame, blanket chest, two bedside cabinets and a chest of drawers! We took inspiration from the furniture and the room took on a theme of New England beach house. Light blue wallpaper, sand coloured carpet, pale blue shaker style wardrobe doors, new ceiling light with fan (which has been perfect with the hottest summer for a long time and my hot flushes!). We have a new mattress on order, then all we need is curtains and bedding (though for the time being what we have are fine). I have added fairy lights and some sunset, seaside pictures. The room feels like a sanctuary, a haven of calm, cool peace.

Oh, and the kitchen is waiting to be decorated because we are (finally!) having the building work done, the garage converted (seems slightly mad adding rooms with two of the three offspring off to unit in a couple of weeks!). Watch this space!

At another crossroads

As another year roles in I find myself at another of life's crossroads. We began the New Year with a big kitchen clear out...literally everything had to go! Well, be temporarily relocated whilst we have a new kitchen fitted. The end of the process is now tantalisingly close and it mostly feels pretty good (though I will be happiest when the dust removal..from the entire house..is complete!)

All cleared out 

Whilst there have been strangers coming and going and routines disrupted I have been living a sort of limbo life. The first week I sat and caught up with some of my unfinished knitting projects (as well as starting a few new ones!), it felt good. This week so far, has been more of a mix, trying to live as normally as possible (with the kitchen packed up and relocated in the dining room!)

The kitchen in the dining room

There will be decorating to do once the contractors move out (Monday deadline), which will extend to finishing the hallway that didn't get done nearly two years ago, yikes! and the downstairs loo, and possibly the dining room....

But besides all this excitement and mess my journey to 'find out what I want to be when I grow up' (wiwtbwigu) continues. The story so far...I always wanted to work with children, from being very young. I did the NNEB, had two fabulous nannying jobs...and then found out I was pregnant. Being a mother was the best job in the world ever! And managing to combine mothering with working was awesome....child minding never felt like work!

But then we relocated and all my children were in school. So I began to look for something new. The journey to becoming a homeopath was an emotional one. I grew and learned so much...I learned that I didn't want to work alone, at home...and so my quest continued.

Then I found myself studying again...to become an antenatal teacher. Another emotional and stretching few years. More learning, more discovery about myself...I tried on the antenatal teacher hat for a year after qualifying and decided that it didn't quite fit right...sigh....feeling that I'm getting closer to 'wiwtbwigu' but not quite there. The relax stretch and breathe/yoga for pregnancy was the next leg of the journey. And this feels as if it fits very well. I began teaching a year ago and have loved every minute. I have had some great feedback from the women who I have had the pleasure to guide. But since September things have been frustrating to say the least. Despite having twelve women on the register at one point I have only managed to run two or three sessions, each with only two women (I'm not asking for much, with four women I get paid, and the room doesn't comfortably hold more than about ten! Between four and seven is perfect...).

There are always going to be challenges for pregnant women getting to classes, especially as so many work right up to the end of pregnancy. But for some reason those challenges have been magnified in the last few months for the women booked onto my classes. As well as work commitments there have also been too many early births and ill health. I shall keep on trying though, the small group of women that came to me last year are all firm friends and meet up with each other every week...they still speak fondly of the classes (and the cakes!) so I know just how valuable they can be.

However, even if RSB becomes an overnight success, it's still only one night a week (with preparation time during the day too), so I have been pondering what else I could do. After my light bulb moment last year, I swore not to do any more training courses until I was earning more than I was spending...so what could i do with the skills I have?

At the end of last year I started thinking how much I would love to go back into child care...but I wasn't keen on nursery/preschool/school/child minding for a number of reasons. I did some searching and realised that I could go back full circle and be a nanny again. I didn't do anything about it though and the season moved on. Then last week a friend posted a link on facebook to a nanny agency...I am now actively seeking to register with the agency. I'm excited and trepidatious in equal measure at the idea of starting something new, but it feels 'just right'. I only want to work two or three days a week (it's been too many years since I was in full time employment to jump right back in, I would like to ease myself in gently and see how it goes!)

So, watch this space and see whether I'm any closer to finding 'wiwtbwigu'!