Two weekends ago we drove to Salford to drop Josh off to begin the next exciting chapter in his life. He is living in a concrete nightmare....sorry HE thinks it's a really cool pod style studio flat! He's really close to Media city (even I could feel the buzz of cool there!) and will be studying for a Post production Masters.
The following day Chris and I drove our baby girl (oh heck...I'm tearing up already!) to Leeds. We negotiated Leeds' wonderful traffic system and waited to pull into a ridiculously inadequate parking area. When we finally pulled in we were greeted by an unsmiling, fluorescent jacketed youth who told us we had 15 minutes to unpack the car and move it to a different car park down the road. It was raining. Chris and Heather went of to get her keys whilst I maniacally unpacked the car, putting all her worldly goods on the pavement in front of the car, my anger keeping my sadness at bay for a while.
When they came back with the key, Chris moved the car. Then I continued to stand in the rain with her stuff whilst Heather and Chris took as much as they could carry. They were gone an age...it turned out there were two lifts, 20 floors, and a squillion other freshers all arriving at the same time unpacking their brand new duvets and Ikea crockery. We eventually transferred everything from pavement to flat (actually a really nice, newly built space, happily, beautifully co-ordinated with her new duvet cover, and lamp etc!). Met her flat mates, made up the bed and generally unpacked. We then jumped in the car and queued endlessly to get to a bigger than Tesco local supermarket. Turns out it wasn't much bigger and had no car park! So Heather and I left Chris with the car and went tired and stressed to shop for essential food stuff. We queued yet again to get her back to her flat, before hugging her and leaving her to fend for herself. We waited briefly for the lift, but with no sign of it I set off to start walking down the twelve flights of stairs. Tears blurring my vision. Memories of that journey three years ago (really? only three years ago?) tears blurring my vision, sobs unexpectedly racking my body after I dropped Josh for the first time at university, alone as Chris was running the Great North Run. This time I choked back the sobs, and rubbed away the tears, steadfastly not looking at Chris.
The trip around the supermarket the following day was a challenge, planning what meals I would need without Josh or Heather there, thinking 'oh Heather isn't here so don't need that. That meal only works for me and H' etc. Again, familiar ground, I remember similar thoughts just after Josh went away, but of course we were only one man down then, and pretty used to Josh coming and going and not needed meals. Heather, whilst not a recluse, certainly spent more time at home, cooked meals for me when I came in from work and would appear at random times for hugs.
I don't want you to think I have spent the last two weeks moping and crying. Life carries on with just the occasional twinge of 'oh, Heather is away at uni' and the familiar lurch in the stomach. Children making their way in the world is what it's all about, but oh my goodness it can be as hard as it is rewarding seeing them grow and move forward. And of course the nest isn't empty yet, Lorna and Joe are still here (and Lorna is being really sweet filling Heathers shoes by cooking and shopping for me).
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| Chocs that Lorna bought me yesterday to cheer me up. |
I am even more thankful too that I seem to have found wiwtbwigu! (what I want to be when I grow up). I am so enjoying the nanny job that I started at the end of February. It took me a wee while to get into the groove. Being out of my home two days a week took some getting used to after being at home and my own boss for so long. As did learning a new routine with the family. But despite my memory like Swiss cheese, I have found my stride.
I had a couple of weeks off in July whilst my boss had her second baby and since going back have been working a few hours on a Friday as well as my two usual days. I now go in later and stay later to help with bedtime. I often don't get home until 8.30 pm, tired but oh so happy. I feel really appreciated (last week I was gifted an afternoon at the spa by my boss as a thank you for the extra help I have given her!).
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| My pedicure |
I think if I had continued working with children after we moved up North I would probably feel truly fed up by now. But having studied, grown and learned a lot about myself over the last almost 15 years. As well as trying out several other roles, that never quite fit right. Going back to nanny work just makes sense.
There have been a couple more changes this week. Firstly, I have decided not to renew my licence as a Natal Hypnotherapy practitioner. Shortly after doing my NH training I stopped teaching couples antenatal courses for the NCT. The NH courses are also mainly for couples and therefore I just didn't get going with the workshops. I kept up my licence for a year. But when the renewal came round, considerably more expensive than last year, it was a no brainer to stop.
Secondly, yesterday I took the difficult decision to stop teaching relax stretch and breathe. This wasn't so clear cut, I absolutely love teaching RSB and have had nothing but fabulous feedback from the women that I have taught. However, the group has always been small, mostly this suited me fine. The room that I taught in wasn't huge and I love the more personal nature of teaching to 4 or 5 women. The major downside though, is that with few women on the register it can be very uncertain how many will be able to attend each week. I needed 4 women to 'break even' and get paid in full, I was happy to teach 2 women (taking half pay and sometimes nothing at all). But the challenge was waiting with bated breath each week to find out how many women were hoping to come along, regularly having to cancel at the last minute. Pregnancy is a time of shift and change and most women work right up until their baby is due, meaning that women often can't make it to every session. With a larger group this wouldn't be an issue, however, with six women on the register I just never knew whether I was going to be able to teach or not. So for various reasons and with a heavy heart, this uncertainty finally got the better of me this week and I took the very difficult decision to stop doing it.
I have been completely overwhelmed with the reaction from people about this. So many people have said wonderful things about me and the RSB. It is still the right choice though.
Life is full of change, and to resist this only leads to problems and misery...but it's good to pause every now and again, look back, look forward, be nostalgic and optimistic before coming back to the here and now.
