So I find myself uncharacteristically busy, and I keep catching myself being negative about it. And yet much of what I am doing I am thoroughly enjoying, so why the negativity?
I'm working this through as I type...I think part of it is the time of year. I instinctively want to cozy up and hunker down at this time of year. I want to slow things right down, just as The Earth is doing. To wait patiently for the warmer, lighter spring days then burst back into energetic life!
I dream of jam making and knitting and crafting seasonal gifts for my family and friends...in fact that is part of my problem too, the impending festive season! It feels like an additional pressure, trying to take up room in my over stuffed brain. Having no religious belief and no small children around to create the magic for, it ends up feeling joyless and materialistic/commercialistic....hmmmm...ok trying to find the positivity here....
Well I am really enjoying the antenatal course that I am teaching at the moment. They are only a small group, but very characterful and great fun.
I am also loving studying for teaching Relax stretch and breathe. I enjoyed writing the essay and have loved every moment of the study days...well every moment apart from the last journey home!
I'm looking forward to more study next year, a wonderful holiday, celebrating both my parents and the parents in law's 50th wedding anniversaries, Chris and my 30th anniversary (since we met, not married!) to name just some of the exciting things coming up soon....
There so I have turned myself around! I feel happier and much more positive! Though, having just popped into town with H and seen so many wonderful pairs of pj's and onesies, I would still be happiest cozied up in pj's every day at home until spring has sprung!

Knitting cozy socks when I get the chance...

shifting and changing...

This one may take me a while to get right, to express what it is I'm trying to say...so bare with me ok?!
This post is about change, a huge shift in my universe, which, rather bizarrely, I didn't really see coming!

For a long time we had a mantra, it basically went 'when L goes to university...' fill in the gap. I can see now, two years since her A level results, that it was a preparation and a defence mechanism. But then the summer of her A level results arrived and the plans changed...long story short, after a very difficult few weeks she decided to change courses and go to a uni that enabled her to stay at home after taking a year out.

Now, for most of their lives L has been the pioneer in education related issues, and when it has come to J's turn we have all sailed through in the wash that she left behind. So of course this hurdle was to be different, he was going to be the first to go away to uni and therefore the first to leave home. Add to this his penchant for doing things at his own pace, in his own way and some how I missed the build up! I had made sure he had the absolute basics (towels, bedding, cutlery, pans etc.), but we never managed a food shop, or a thorough check through to see that we had covered all the bases.

C had booked the Monday off so that we could drive him across to Manchester  together, and also have time to celebrate his birthday as he was running the Great North run on the day. At the eleventh hour J found out there were Freshers events on the Sunday evening so the plan was for me to go across with him whilst C ran, then we would bring his stuff across on the Monday. That way he would get to drive and not feel travel sick. It then transpired that he had a summer project to do...the lateness of his knowing which uni he was going to and his inability to do any work other than last last minute meant that he wanted to film his packing...in the end he got everything into the Polo so a trip across on Monday would no longer be required.

the Polo packed to bursting

All the essentials....Bud!

J driving

the view!

So J and I set off, later than planned, of course!

For a couple of days before he was due to go I had had the occasional thought of how I was going to miss him, and felt a bit teary....
As the journey progressed I felt increasingly teary, the kind of deep sadness that one has no control over....

We arrived and I focussed on finding the place, finding the person with the key, unpacking the car, setting up his room (mainly so I could bring all the packaging away with me!) and then it was time to leave...I hugged him and got in the car...and was sobbing within seconds, I sobbed for about fifteen minutes as I drove out of Manchester...then I realised he had left his iPod in the car so I turned round and went back! This small diversion switched the tears and sobs off for a while!

When I got back to him (after a few detours around Manchester!! even with the sat nav I get lost!) he was trying to connect to the internet, but thought he needed a cable or a password, I left him on hold on the phone to the internet company...he hates making those kind of calls but I needed to get back home, and he needs to be able to fend for himself...so I got back in the car. Leaving him looking vulnerable and unsure set me off again! Tears and deep uncontrollable sobs, which continued on and off most of the way home...

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Well that was over a year ago now. And what a year it has been. J is thoroughly enjoying uni life. He loves his course, the boozing, socialising and climbing. There have been challenges and trials and really horrid hills to climb at times, but this is really nothing new with J! And with each triumph and challenge he has grown and learned and survived.

So this September when I drove him back, there were no tears, in fact I can admit that in many ways it was a relief to send him off! Having him visit, or us pop over to Manchester is somehow easier than the challenges of having him living at home....and I don't imagine that he will return to live a home again....how will that feel? and when L and J and then H have all moved out how will that feel? Well more fodder for blog posts I am sure!