So I find myself uncharacteristically busy, and I keep catching myself being negative about it. And yet much of what I am doing I am thoroughly enjoying, so why the negativity?
I'm working this through as I type...I think part of it is the time of year. I instinctively want to cozy up and hunker down at this time of year. I want to slow things right down, just as The Earth is doing. To wait patiently for the warmer, lighter spring days then burst back into energetic life!
I dream of jam making and knitting and crafting seasonal gifts for my family and friends...in fact that is part of my problem too, the impending festive season! It feels like an additional pressure, trying to take up room in my over stuffed brain. Having no religious belief and no small children around to create the magic for, it ends up feeling joyless and materialistic/commercialistic....hmmmm...ok trying to find the positivity here....
Well I am really enjoying the antenatal course that I am teaching at the moment. They are only a small group, but very characterful and great fun.
I am also loving studying for teaching Relax stretch and breathe. I enjoyed writing the essay and have loved every moment of the study days...well every moment apart from the last journey home!
I'm looking forward to more study next year, a wonderful holiday, celebrating both my parents and the parents in law's 50th wedding anniversaries, Chris and my 30th anniversary (since we met, not married!) to name just some of the exciting things coming up soon....
There so I have turned myself around! I feel happier and much more positive! Though, having just popped into town with H and seen so many wonderful pairs of pj's and onesies, I would still be happiest cozied up in pj's every day at home until spring has sprung!

Knitting cozy socks when I get the chance...

shifting and changing...

This one may take me a while to get right, to express what it is I'm trying to say...so bare with me ok?!
This post is about change, a huge shift in my universe, which, rather bizarrely, I didn't really see coming!

For a long time we had a mantra, it basically went 'when L goes to university...' fill in the gap. I can see now, two years since her A level results, that it was a preparation and a defence mechanism. But then the summer of her A level results arrived and the plans changed...long story short, after a very difficult few weeks she decided to change courses and go to a uni that enabled her to stay at home after taking a year out.

Now, for most of their lives L has been the pioneer in education related issues, and when it has come to J's turn we have all sailed through in the wash that she left behind. So of course this hurdle was to be different, he was going to be the first to go away to uni and therefore the first to leave home. Add to this his penchant for doing things at his own pace, in his own way and some how I missed the build up! I had made sure he had the absolute basics (towels, bedding, cutlery, pans etc.), but we never managed a food shop, or a thorough check through to see that we had covered all the bases.

C had booked the Monday off so that we could drive him across to Manchester  together, and also have time to celebrate his birthday as he was running the Great North run on the day. At the eleventh hour J found out there were Freshers events on the Sunday evening so the plan was for me to go across with him whilst C ran, then we would bring his stuff across on the Monday. That way he would get to drive and not feel travel sick. It then transpired that he had a summer project to do...the lateness of his knowing which uni he was going to and his inability to do any work other than last last minute meant that he wanted to film his packing...in the end he got everything into the Polo so a trip across on Monday would no longer be required.

the Polo packed to bursting

All the essentials....Bud!

J driving

the view!

So J and I set off, later than planned, of course!

For a couple of days before he was due to go I had had the occasional thought of how I was going to miss him, and felt a bit teary....
As the journey progressed I felt increasingly teary, the kind of deep sadness that one has no control over....

We arrived and I focussed on finding the place, finding the person with the key, unpacking the car, setting up his room (mainly so I could bring all the packaging away with me!) and then it was time to leave...I hugged him and got in the car...and was sobbing within seconds, I sobbed for about fifteen minutes as I drove out of Manchester...then I realised he had left his iPod in the car so I turned round and went back! This small diversion switched the tears and sobs off for a while!

When I got back to him (after a few detours around Manchester!! even with the sat nav I get lost!) he was trying to connect to the internet, but thought he needed a cable or a password, I left him on hold on the phone to the internet company...he hates making those kind of calls but I needed to get back home, and he needs to be able to fend for himself...so I got back in the car. Leaving him looking vulnerable and unsure set me off again! Tears and deep uncontrollable sobs, which continued on and off most of the way home...

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Well that was over a year ago now. And what a year it has been. J is thoroughly enjoying uni life. He loves his course, the boozing, socialising and climbing. There have been challenges and trials and really horrid hills to climb at times, but this is really nothing new with J! And with each triumph and challenge he has grown and learned and survived.

So this September when I drove him back, there were no tears, in fact I can admit that in many ways it was a relief to send him off! Having him visit, or us pop over to Manchester is somehow easier than the challenges of having him living at home....and I don't imagine that he will return to live a home again....how will that feel? and when L and J and then H have all moved out how will that feel? Well more fodder for blog posts I am sure!

Work in progress

I have been very neglectful of this space for some time....and will continue to be I'm afraid for some time to come. I look forward to the days when I have time to spare for thoughtful rumination that I can share, rather than the snatched moments whilst on the loo or sorting washing!

A few pictures to whet your whistle...

Flying visit to Wales.

A fabulous trip 'Darn Sarf'.

Oh! looking at these makes me long to spin the narrative that rightfully goes with them *sigh* but my energies are to be saved for other pursuits right now so my Ponderings will just have to wait.

I have just been reading through my last few posts...my blogging has been very sporadic this year...I don't know why!

Anyway, quick life catch up. I got the email at the end of March to say that my portfolio had passed muster and I was now an antenatal teacher. I have also since then had my 2nd portfolio ratified by the university meaning that I have achieved my diploma in antenatal education too.

After an initial giddy excitement and feeling of having all the time in the world and a huge sense of freedom, life has quickly settled back to normal.

I am spreading my 'birthing world' wings a little further by doing my doula preparation. The weekend workshop up in Edinburgh was delightful. I just need to get my finger out and finish the written piece and then I will be ready to sign up with Doula UK, get myself on their register and hopefully clients will start to contact me and I will finally get to be at some births!

In September I begin the relax stretch and breathe training, which will be an extension of my nct work.

I have some exciting and inspiring workshops coming up as well as having just started teaching another course (with 8 couples on...not nearly as scary as I imagined it would be!) all whilst fitting in normal life.

Heather has finished secondary school now, just the GCSE results to wait for. She had her prom last week...I nearly burst with pride when I saw her dressed up, she is one beautiful young lady!

One of my friends remarked that it was refreshing to see her so naturally beautiful, no fake take, hair extensions, false eye lashes or acrylic nails...she has always had a strong sense of style, from being a very little girl. But it was lovely to get such wonderful comments from friends and family.

It's scary to think how quickly the children seem to have grown up...I say to each class that I teach how clearly I can remember being in their shoes, pregnant with Lorna all that time ago...and yet on the other hand so much has happened along the way too!

Ponderings

I began writting this post a couple of weeks ago...I keep stopping and saving it....think I will hit post now...

I am feeling sentimental.

There are a number of reasons for this.

1. It is a cool, grey, rainy day. In fact May so far has mostly been disappointing weather wise, our punishment I guess for the glorious week we had early in the year!
2. On Saturday, my 1st 'baby' turned 21.....yes 21!! How the heck did that happen! (though ask her and she will deny it, saying she is never getting any older!)
3. Yesterday my baby (as in the youngest of the fold) turned 16. And I have made it a tradition to pull together photos of each of them from their first 16 years of life to sprinkle liberally around the sitting room for the enjoyment of all who visit the house over the coming weeks! So I have spent the last couple of days going through the photo albums, scanning in pictures and reminiscing.
4. The dawning realisation that 'family' holidays have really come to an end for us. Technically this has been a slow process that began in 2007 when Lorna went on holiday with friends and the rest of us went to Sicily. And gradually, though we all went to Ireland together in 2009, the holidays when all five of us were away together have dwindled. This year Josh is off on holiday with Kate, Lorna and Joe probably won't go away and when I asked Heather about where she would like to go, she said 'do I HAVE to go on holiday?', nice!

It's really quite odd, I will be thinking about nothing in particular when suddenly I think a random thought that reminds me of the changing times. I know I will go on many more holidays, and who knows one day hubby and I will manage that honeymoon in the Maldives, or the road trip through New England in the fall. And maybe one day there will be grandchildren and we will be allowed to indulge them with seaside trips in return for babysitting. But for now all that looks new, and different.

This parenting lark....indeed this life lark, can be a funny old thing. There are lots of books, gurus, forums and advice out there for new parents and parents of toddlers, but much less seems to be written about parenting teenagers and beyond. Certainly my network of friends who have been through this stage or who are going through it now has dwindled to almost nothing and that can feel really quite lonely. I am often left feeling vulnerable and scared trying to picture even the very near future. I know we are supposed to live in the present to be truly at peace, and I try...but at least when they were small I had points of reference from my nursery nursing training and experiences babysitting, nannying and having a baby brother.
Parenting young adults is new and there don't seem to be many books or other advice, and to be honest I would probably reject them any way! But it might be comforting to have a mother and young adult group (along the lines of mother and toddler group!) to go and chat and compare notes once each week!

Some things haven't changed though, the eldest wanted a Princess cake making for her birthday.

For the last couple of nights I have been a moon stalker! Apparently we have been enjoying a supermoon.
Basically this means that the position of this full moon is such that it is the closest to the earth that it gets (a perigee moon) appearing bigger than usual.
I have to say that it didn't look huge, but beautiful non the less.

Judge for yourself!

Ok, hopeless photo, but my first view of the full moon

The moon was preceded by a lovely sunset.